Front Butt Thighs

   
I frequently wonder how it would feel to have decent looking inner thighs. I hate my inner thighs with the passion of the gods. I hide them behind long layering tanks and Grandma bathing suit skirts. I’m pretty sure my own boyfriend has not seen them in the light of day. If I want to pretend I’m sexy, I tuck them between my thighs and clamp my legs shut. I now understand what transvestites go through. I feel your “tuck and pray” pain, guys. 

I check out other women’s crotchal-area with envy, like a total perv. Instead of salivating over another woman’s handbag or cute haircut, I totally crave their smooth thighs. I am envious of women who can wear skinny jeans without all of the layering tanks and spanks required to make me not look like a bean bag with a head. 

I feel like my saggy thighs are totally my mom’s fault, along with my prematurely graying hair and manly calves. I’m basically a carbon-copy of my mom, right down to the swaying thigh skin. If my mom wasn’t the most amazing woman to walk this Earth, I would have a real bone to pick with her. Instead, we just complain together as we make brownies and homemade fudge sauce. 

This past Friday, I hosted an It Works party. If you don’t recognize the name, you will know what I’m talking about when I say miracle body wraps. Yup, I got wrapped, along with some friends. It was part hilarious-fun-female-bonding, and part I-hate-my-body-don’t-look-at-me-why-was-I-born. 

Let me explain. 

Before the wrap is the essential, “before picture”. It’s mandatory. I recruited a long-time friend who’s seen me in my birthday suit and at my absolute worst. Who cares if she sees my frog skin crotch? So, she snapped quite a few pictures from multiple angles and really got down in there. I was terrified to see her work. 

And rightfully fucking so. 

When I say it was disgusting, you really have no idea. Some of you may wonder how it could be possible one is not aware of what they look like naked. Well, it’s possible when you avoid the mirror like the plague, while naked, that’s fucking how. 

One picture she took confused me. It was an ass. It was a really saggy ass with dimples and pimples, the whole smorgasbord. MY INNER THIGHS LOOK LIKE AN ASS. 

I have front butt thighs and…

I can’t. I can’t even. What else can I say? There’s nothing more to say. I HAVE A BUTT. ON MY THIGHS. 

After some time to accept this disgusting realization, I’ve decided my front butt has got to go. I’m now even more glad that I spent $150 on body wraps, fat inhibitors, and tightening gel from It Works. I’m also going to be kicking my yoga practice into high gear. Perhaps, I’ll dust off my beach cruiser and take it for a spin. Anything, anything to get rid of my second butt. Anything. 

  
I have a picture of a before and after of my thighs, but the thought of sharing it with all the world is more terrifying than those arriving-at-school-naked-on-the-first-day-of-school dreams. No. Just, no. So, here is proof I wrapped my nasty thighs. You’re welcome. 

  
Thank you, Pinterest, for your endless array of memes and ecards to make me feel better about myself. Laughing through the pain, yo. 

Author: fattymccupcakes

Just a thirty-something girl trying to love herself the way she is: fat, rolls, cellulite, and fabulousness.

18 thoughts on “Front Butt Thighs”

  1. You know you didn’t have one positive thing to say about yourself in this whole post? I’m not trying to be mean or anything, but maybe that’s the real problem, the one that you should be working on. If you can’t love you, and except yourself how can you live a full happy life? We all want to change things about our body, I have a flat ass and pudgy stomach, but I go to the gym and eat right and know that I am beautiful anyway. I take care of myself for me, and so that I feel good, not so I look like a carbon copy of all the “pretty” girls. Be you, and rock it, you are awesome just the way you are.

    Like

    1. Thanks for the comment and feedback. I’m sorry if my posts come off as negative. Actually no. No, I’m not, because that’s my schtick. I poke fun at myself and I practice the art of self-deprecation. It’s my thing. Maybe I don’t love my thighs. I mean, who would like their thighs when look like Miley Cyrus’ ass? Maybe I don’t love my thighs, but I love other parts of me? I’m sorry you didn’t find the humor in this. I actually found it hilarious that I have a front butt. My friend and I laughed about it till I peed a little.

      Like

  2. Ahahahaha!!!! This was hysterically written! Everyone has that one (or two) things they despise of themselves. I believe this was written in good humor. I don’t think people have to go to the extremities of questioning how or if one lives a happy full life. Here’s the real question…What is a full happy life? I think to each their own. If not having butt thighs is what will make your life full and happy, then wrap away sister!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wrap away πŸ˜‰ Atleast you have thighs. I’m toothpick shaped! You’d think that’s a good thing, with all the diets everyone is following and all. But if I hadn’t pooped every day, I wouldn’t have even known I had an ass. And I’m not even going to start about the tiny little breasts. What cleavage? You can drive in a Range Rover between my breasts and still not hit any of the girls! xP

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I have always hated my thighs, too. My right (inner) thigh has this extra blob of fat that, depending which shorts I’m wearing, looks like my vagina pooped. Let’s just say I wear a lot of skirts. Hilarious post!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s