Took a Fart

 

Courtesy of Buzzfeed

 It’s time to tell it like it is. If you’re a teacher, or you were once a student (this should include everyone. If not, um…) then you know that expelling gas is a huge part of the learning experience, almost more than actual learning. We all remember that embarrassing time we just couldn’t hold it in anymore and we farted in the middle of silent reading time. Or, the time we let go of a silent, but deadly bastard, and our red face gave us away. We all fart. We also have spent a huge chunk of our lives in a classroom, so it’s only natural that tooting happens at school. It happens a lot. 

Today, immediately following a serious chat about why it’s important to pay attention, and why whistling during a lesson doesn’t lead to success, one of my students let out a fart that was likely heard in the next room. They were all on the carpet, sitting tall and proud like 3rd graders who are responsible for their own learning. They all (even the culprit) had expectant, eager-to-please, and innocent expressions painted on their little faces. The fart was a mistake. It was not intended to derail learning. And it was just what my stressed-out, exhausted, and wound-up psyche needed. 

Basically, I lost it. 

Teaching 101 says you never, never respond or react to a fart. Ever. Two very simple reasons why:

  1. They (your students) will take your laughter as license to act like wild hyenas, and your lesson is as good as over. 
  2. The poor tooter will feel humiliated, and you try to avoid that as an educator and role model. 

So, despite my knowledge of these possible outcomes, I lost all composure, and had a very serious, ugly-laughing fit. I was crying. I couldn’t regain my composure. It was awful. At first, I tried to hide my laughter behind my math teacher manual, but eventually someone said, “Um, teacher, are you OK?” I don’t usually sit with a book directly over my face, in front of my whole class, for an extended period of time. They likely thought I had gone crackers. When it could no longer be kept a secret that I was laughing like a fool, I kept saying, “OK, that’s enough. OK. That’s it.” Except I was the only one laughing. 

You know those laughing fits you’ve had with a really good friend? The kind where you start making some ungodly repetitive noise and you almost gag yourself? Yeah. 

I could not stop.

Eventually, my kids decided it was safe for them to laugh as well. Amidst the laughing and fake farts, someone accused Fred* of farting, and he proclaimed, quite seriously, “It wasn’t me! I take farts outside!” More laughing. Basically, math was over for the day. Thank God we were at the end of the lesson. Also, the teacher gods were watching over me today, for sure, because how awesome would it have looked had my principal walked in, mid-gagging laughing fit? I can’t even. 

Some days I rock the shit out of teaching, and some days I’m the reason a single toot derails learning. 

At least we had a nice chat about how everyone makes mistakes, farting is only natural, and we weren’t laughing at anyone, but with them. 

In honor of my idiotic lack of self-composure and well, because farts, here is a list of truths about gas in the classroom:

  1. It doesn’t matter the kid, the age, the time of day, or whether it’s before or after lunch, ALL kid farts smell.the.same.
  2. We (teachers) have announced, at least once in our careers, after a barrage of fart smells, “I think someone maybe needs to go to the bathroom!”
  3. Students whose first language is Spanish say, “Took a fart”, because that’s the literal translation for ‘farting’.
  4. The phrase, “Took a fart” never gets old. Ever. 
  5. Every teacher, in the history of teaching, has been guilty of intentional crop dusting, at least once. It’s only fair. 
  6. Physical Education has a higher incidence of farting when compared to other classes, double the rate of incidences after lunch.

***Side note: My own boyfriend once earned an award for maintaining correct sit up form, even whilst farting. Fart pro. 

And that’s all I have to say about farting (in a Forrest Gump voice). 
 

 

Courtesy of Pinterest
 

Author: fattymccupcakes

Just a thirty-something girl trying to love herself the way she is: fat, rolls, cellulite, and fabulousness.

34 thoughts on “Took a Fart”

  1. OMG!!!! I was in tears reading that. I couldn’t stop laughing. I remember what this was like at school (just) and it bright it all back. Like the boy who amplified his fart by farting against the back of a plastic chair. Farting brings out thr juvenile in us all. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Boys and farts I think go hand in hand. My no2 is so famous for this,he does this in the car and then there is chaos, he actually goes upto our pet dog and does it on her face. My husband will ask one of the unsuspecting kids to pull one of his finger and farts simultaneously as they pull it and the times he pulls the sheet over us and farts while refusing to let go. πŸ˜†

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, I’m sure zero percent! I just heavily rely on the scientific fact, that “he who smelt it, dealt it”. You can’t argue with science. You’re a teacher, you should know this. πŸ˜†πŸ˜‡πŸ˜ˆ

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Hilarious! Love the lesson you brought to your students about this:
    1) It’s natural
    2) You’re laughing with them, not at them
    I stressed this with my youngest brother when he was growing up (well he’s still growing; he just turned 13) and he was able to come home after he accidentally tooted at school laughing about it and sharing it as a “fun fact” of the day:)
    And the “took a fart” is so true! As a Spanish first languager myself, the other phrases you hear/say a lot are “blew a fart” and “threw a fart” LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Crop dusting ?! I gotta file that one away for future use. I have a fart-pro in my family. Just had a conversation with him about it yesterday – he’s 22 πŸ™‚ Four times in 5 minutes – seriously! As a kid he used to warn his dad in the car about an imminent fart, so he could open the window and let fresh air in. They SMELL 😦 In his defense he has lactose intolerance. But in his offence – he doesn’t control what he eats , hence the farts.
    A friend of ours many years ago was seriously collecting information and research on FARTS so he could publish a book with the embellishment of recorded sound effects. Seriously !! He had quite a few tucked away on file till he discovered someone had beat him to it !

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL! That’s awesome!!! Poor thing probably can’t control his farts! At least he was nice enough to warn the car inhabitants. I think I have kid fart smell imbedded into the very fibers of my nostrils. So gross πŸ˜‚πŸ˜œ

      Liked by 1 person

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