Piece of Sh*t Car a la Adam Sandler 

Friends, my car is dying an ugly, ugly death. We had been given a year, but the diagnosis is now, much worse. The sickness running through the fluids and electrical system has recently sped up, and I am now making funeral arrangements. I’m devastated, but not surprised. When you have no emergency break,  and chunks of seat break off, daily, you know your car’s days are numbered.

Everyday, driving to and from work is pushing it. I also have to drive sans air conditioning, and like an 80-year-old with nowhere to go. It’s awful.

It’s not even like I’m that close to my car. It has no quirky name, and no emotional connection to me, whatsoever. I mean, when your car needs major repairs just to pass smog each year, it isn’t exactly considered a prized possession.

No, I’m dreading making car payments. At the ripe-old-age of 32, I’ve never been tied down by car payments. My piece of poo on wheels only cost me $5,000 and it’s been paid off since 2006. I am dreading having to make a substantial payment on a car every month. I’m a teacher, not a billionaire.

With that, because I’ll be a slave to the bank or car dealership for 48 months or longer, I want to be able to have a damn nice ride. I’m not even picky, either. ‘Damn nice’ in my world means having a “clicker” and power windows. But, while I’m not exactly “picky” due only to being poor, I’m super particular, at the same time. It’s a Jetta, or the highway.

Since I’ll likely be driving the most expensive thing I’ll ever possess soon, I know I’ll also be an anxious mess. I like to keep my nice things nice, and we know how people are assholes. I’ll be paranoid about it getting dinged, scratched, or hit. The anxiety is already creeping in. UGH. I think I have an ulcer. 

When you are super OCD, decisions like this are not fun, like most people would treat them. No, all I’m thinking about is how long I’ll have to give up morning Starbucks runs or buying beef because I’ll be paying on a car. I’m dreading the car hunt, because shopping around for something you really can’t afford really kinda sucks. Also, my car has already been keyed by some asshole, and I haven’t even seen it yet.

Wish me luck on my search. Pray I hit the lotto. Something. Anything.

My friend and I would blast this song as we “dragged main”, in my first piece of shit car, an ’86 Mazda 626 with maroon interior and purple tinted windows. We thought we were so hilarious.


Author: fattymccupcakes

Just a thirty-something girl trying to love herself the way she is: fat, rolls, cellulite, and fabulousness.

20 thoughts on “Piece of Sh*t Car a la Adam Sandler ”

  1. I’m sorry about your car, and terribly sad that you’re a teacher who isn’t compensated as she should be. Hang in there, bite the bullet and consider buying a slightly used demonstrator model that is usually available at the end of the year. I hope your car makes it to December. The good news is that most cars built in the last few years are reliable and last forever. Good luck!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your car has gotten AIDS 😂😭😂😭 BRILLIANT! I wish I had thought of that line! I’m rolling! And her left boob? You’re killing me! Yes, I’m now super wary of this ugly beast. So, I know why you don’t want to drive your piece. Besides who wants to drive a car with only one boob?! 😂😭

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Lmao!! Exactly! All lopsided and such, no balance whatsoever! Why, thank you, dear 🙂 I’m a bit twisted sometimes. Just lucky I guess 😉 you’re one of the best bloggers, with your sense of humor, just like me! That’s why I absolutely love your posts. Always makes me giggle. Great minds think alike.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You can do what I did: Buy a car, and then a week later back it into a pole. CUSTOM BODY WORK! Kind of took the pressure off of keeping it ding-free. (Which made me mind a lot less when the hubs dropped a bookcase on it. But that’s a story for another day….)

    I’m a little wary of buying rentals – people are pretty hard on cars they only drive for a weekend. But you might get something decent off a lease – usually lower miles and the leaseholders get charged for turning in a leaky can.

    Like

  3. This is exactly why I hate getting new things. Additional dislike if it’s expensive. My mom gifted me an expensive ring which is beautiful but it’s feels like a chore to own it. :$ I was thinking of getting a similiar ring which is a lot cheaper and then storing the current ring somewhere safe that I don’t have to worry about it! Infact I stick my finger out while holding things in an awkward position to protect the ring! 😩 TOOO much of strain, I tell you. I’m sorry about your piece of poo on wheels! They are hard to replace.
    P.S. I don’t why your posts are not appearing on my reader! :/

    Liked by 1 person

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