Why You Gotta Be Like That, Carbs? 

Do you ever wish you had a gluten intolerance, or some crazy food allergy that restricts your diet to chicken broth and carrot sticks? Like, legit all your stomach can tolerate is steamed spinach? 

Maybe I’m being insensitive to people who really suffer from food intolerances, but…YA’LL ARE LUCKY BISHES. 

“Would you like some of this delicious homemade bacon beer macaroni and cheese?” I used craft beer, the good bacon, and every single type of cheese on Earth.”

“Wow. I would, but white pasta gives me fiery explosive surprise diarrhea. Cheese makes me so constipated I have to be hospitalized for potentially fatal blockage. Bacon makes me break out in painful hives and my head blows up like the Elephant Man. Thanks for offering, though.” 

How easy and wonderful would it be if there were a legit reason to not eat fattening, delicious food? Forget the fact that you would be healthier and svelte, I need a painful agonizing reason to say no. Otherwise, this would be my response to the above question: 

Hargphumth”

And I’m gone. I’m either knocking people over to get to said food and/or I’m running down the street with the whole pan of mac and cheese (I’ll return your Le Creuset. Chill.)

Did you know that there is actually a recipe for beer bacon mac and cheese? Good ol’ Pinterest. It even has garlic (too bad it makes me gassy). 

  


Author: fattymccupcakes

Just a thirty-something girl trying to love herself the way she is: fat, rolls, cellulite, and fabulousness.

19 thoughts on “Why You Gotta Be Like That, Carbs? ”

  1. I’m just jealous of people that say ‘ooh cheeky treat’ and its like a chocolate covered Goji berry! Whenever I say ‘ooh treat’ its probably an entire chocolate bar (the big ones) and a litre of white wine. No self control.

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  2. All of that stuff is delicious, though! If I got “surprise diarrhea” (the most sinister of all diarrheas) from eating delicious things, I would curse my maker. Six-pack abs are for the self-loathing who deny themselves sensory experiences like the 1,000 variations of Mac and Cheese. Carbs are great. I think in five years we’ll probably find out all the people who are faking gluten intolerances and those who just cut out carbs are all getting rectal cancer because carbs do something magic to our digestive systems. Have a little fat, you’re living better than the skinnies.

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    1. HAHA! Oh, “gluten intolerance” is BS in most cases. It’s REALLY annoying to me when someone has 10 different food allergies, because they are a pain in the ass. My blog is, in a round-about way making fun of these people. Yes, carbs are the most fantastic things EVER. However, at some point I need to fit into my fat jeans.

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  3. I can’t even believe I’m not the only one with this thought!!! To be honest, I’m not sure it would help you, a fellow gluton. I have adverse (almost immediate) reactions (not the gaining poundage kind either) to dairy(mmmmm ice cream) and breads, yet that doesn’t stop me one teeny tiny bit! I do however, wish that the reactions- like you said were so harsh that I am left with no choice but to say, “no thank you.” -a girl can dream

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL!! I think one time having to excuse myself from my poor students to have a Havana omelette in their untarnished bathroom, immediately following eating a package of blueberry waffles, would do it for me! Actually, no it wouldn’t. Who am I kidding?! 😭😂

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  4. I’m forced to have chocolates once in a while when I get dizzy since my glucose levels get weird. My dad is diabetic and he adores them. I’ll be trying to complete the entire chocolate with so much of efforts while my dad looks on pathetically and tries to suppress his gag reflex when he realises that he was involved in the process of making a person who doesn’t adore chocolates. :$ It’s never fair!

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  5. The sad thing is that food intolerances don’t make the food taste any worse. It is just as yummy. And THEN IT TRIES TO KILL YOU. So you know every second what you are missing. Bread sadness. (sheds tear)

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