Dana and Judy’s Homemade Hand Cream 

How many of you brave souls made gifts this year? Since Pinterest, everyone and their spastic brother feel the need to creatively gift these days. We have all seen those “Pinterest Fails”, and laughed our lying asses off at others’ ineptness-like you didn’t just make jingle bell-shaped cookies that looked more like ball sacks. Don’t lie. 

I grew up with a very creative mother. She’s the reason I believe store-bought Halloween costumes are for losers. Yes, she handmade me a Princess Jasmine, costume, that looked like the real thing, when I was eight. 

My mom and my aunt have made Christmas gifts for the “faraway family” for as long as I can remember. They’ve made custom quilts, roll warmer baskets, cake platters using repurposed decorative plates and candle holders, and they’ve been getting drunk for the sake of saving wine corks way before Pinterest told you it was what the cool people do.

Last year, they made homemade lotion, but so did I. We all three had seen, all over that damn Pinterest, how “easy” it was to make your own hand cream. Mine was all organic, cost more than The Body Shop, and had the consistency of Crisco. I didn’t even end up giving it to anyone. It was so greasy, the only place you dare put it was on your feet, underneath 10 pairs of socks. Huge fail. 

My mom and aunt’s lotion ended up being wonderful, but they didn’t divulge, at the time, how much of a process it was to get the wonderful, creamy consistency it had, along with how they concocted its wonderful subtle fragrance. They just humbly insisted, “it was nothing.”

The truth came out today.

While I was digging around for the Scottish shortbread recipe for the cookies we make every year, I came upon their hand cream recipe. I almost crapped my pants laughing.

Dana and Judy’s Hand Cream Recipe 

2 bottles of wine (OK to substitute tequila) 

1 bottle Shea butter

1 tub cocoa butter 

1/4 cup coconut oil 

1 bottle creamy baby oil 

Vitamin E oil drops-break open gel caps

Lavender essential oil ($20 worth to cover up cocoa butter smell)

Whip like mad, add too much red food coloring, cuss, put it in jars anyway 

Call your sister two days later and tell her it is toooooooooo red (I was not the sister who griped-I was pretty much done with hand cream production)

Scoop it all out of containers and add any white lotion you can find, some Vaseline, all the leftovers from previous batches, etc., until you have 6 gallons of lotion and not enough containers. Discover that lotion is only slightly less pink. 

Then, they provided the “real” recipe which has 6 ingredients and one step-whip it together. 

The jury is still out on whether you put the wine (or tequila) in the lotion, or if you drink it. 

Author: fattymccupcakes

Just a thirty-something girl trying to love herself the way she is: fat, rolls, cellulite, and fabulousness.

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