The King of Keystone Avenue

bum
Don’t mind me, actually do…and, kiss my feet while you’re at it.
Years ago, I lived off Keystone Ave. If you are familiar with the area, you know that Keystone and the surrounding areas aren’t, exactly, Rodeo Drive. As you go north up Keystone, it gets more suburban, but “lower” Keystone is, literally, Bum Central.

Most amusingly, and you will see why soon, is that there is a street perpendicular to Keystone called, Kings Row. All of the streets feeding off that street have king-related names. Oh, the irony!

Following, is a random observation I wrote, years ago, about a man I saw everyday as I drove to and from work. This awesome dude is still roaming the royal streets of Keystone. Without further ado, I give you the royal tale of the reign of the King of Keystone!

I had to write a blog post about the most amazing random observation, quite possibly, of my life. Above, you will find a picture of a man. This man is sitting, outside of a 7-11, on some electrical box that is flanked by two cement columns. This man sits here, literally, everyday. Usually, he has his arms resting, royally, on the cement columns. He sits on this dirty plastic box like it is his throne and that Keystone Avenue and the surrounding area is his Bumdom. If you look at him, and hell, who wouldn’t, he nods at you, nobly, as if to say, “Yes, you may gaze upon my glorious self, but don’t get any ideas, this here throne is mine. No one sits on it, but me (and if you try, I will cut you).” 

He is quite possibly the coolest hobo I have ever seen. He has to be crazy, but hell, if crazy means you are a king and you get a throne and loyal subjects, who feed you their left over Slurpees and Burrito Rollers, sign me the hell up!

I only hope one day I am as cool as King Vagrant the Valiant.

Author: fattymccupcakes

Just a thirty-something girl trying to love herself the way she is: fat, rolls, cellulite, and fabulousness.

20 thoughts on “The King of Keystone Avenue”

  1. Every large city has a bum-superior! In my city, “No-Hands-King” has been awarded this token. He rides around on a bike with American flags, and he does some wheelies, T-shirts of his likeness are for sale.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Have you tried to get knighted by the King of Keystone? That would be the closest I’d get to getting knighted, but there’s a risk that instead of a sword used to tap each shoulder he’d use a used plunger or something more heinous. In my town growing up we didn’t have a king but a Jesus. He was a guy with long hair, beard and tunic who’d walk around and the rumor was, if you approached him and paid homage to Jesus, he’d give you a nugget of weed.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Absolutely WONDERFUL post McCupcakes..
    I love the way you monarchised the hobo just from the surrounding names and the fact he has a “throne” to sit on..
    Quite simply brilliant.
    Wouldn’t it be so funny if that little piece was given to him as his kingdom and your taxes to him were half eaten and drunk foods from the 7/11…!

    Liked by 1 person

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