Today I went to get my hooves polished. It occurred to me during the pedicure that there ought to be a list of things to do and not do when you go for a pedicure. Touching someone else’s feet is almost an intimate thing, and like when you are readying for a passionate night of lovin’, it is always a good idea to do some prepping beforehand. Thus, my list of Pedicure Etiquette was born.
- Shave your legs the day prior (it is misinformation to shave the day of a pedicure-unless you want to look like you have the plague the next day. Fresh skin and salt or sugar scrub don’t mix).
- Shave your legs at least a week beforehand. No one wants to rub lotion into your leg-fro.
- Perhaps do a little pruning before your appointment. Whipping out 3 inch-long toe nails is just dangerous for everyone involved.
- Maybe shave your toes. Pretty mint and gold polish on Burt-Reynolds-toenails is the epitome of an oxymoron.
- Stare blindly, in massage ecstasy, at the pedicurist while they are gently massaging between your toes. It brings to mind the line, “It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.” Just no.
- Sit spread eagle. I have never had to sit down wind, so I am just assuming when I say- it has the potential to be unpleasant.
- Wear leggings with a hole in the crotch, because, it shouldn’t be obvious that your legs aren’t the only thing you are letting go au naturel.
- Eat a burrito beforehand.
Really, I just feel bad for my pedicurist, because I never follow these rules. I just want to apologize now to whoever has the distinct pleasure of working with my old man ankles for feet. I really am truly sorry. I would say I feel your pain, but feet are nasty, and I would never do what you do. You are all basically saints.