Ándale, Asshole

Image courtesy of inonit.com

Yesterday, I went to Qdoba. It’s like Chipotle without the violent diarrhea. Qdoba is my go-to when I am in the mood for a burrito the size of my head. And, queso. Mmmmmmm queso. 

Like any professional fatty, I always know exactly what I want. I could order my burrito in a coma. 

Flour tortilla 

White rice 

Black beans


Grilled veggies (because then all the other calories don’t count)

Queso (*whispering* Can I have just a tiny bit more? But, can you make it look like an accident?)


Sour cream 

Bag of tortilla chips 

I thought everyone was like me when it came to these kinds of places. You go once, create a combination of over-salted, high calorie goodness, and just like that your sweet spot combo is forever etched into your cellulite, like a pleasure map. Then, every single time after it’s exactly what you get, down to the accidental extra queso scoop. 


Then, why-please, Lord, tell me why-do people still act a damn fool when there are 80 people waiting in line behind them for their burrito fix?


This stupid, stupid amateur in front of me in line tonight almost got my brand new striped Toms permanently lodged into her gaping ummmmm-I-don’t-know-yet-hole. 

People, do not, I repeat, DO NOT go to a fine establishment like Qdoba unprepared. If you aren’t sure if you want chicken or pork and you treat the available options like a life or death decision, your ass can go to a sit-down affair where you don’t make crazy, hungry fatties wait for you to decide if you want fucking sour cream or not.

I am absolutely fucking convinced there are people put on this planet for the sole purpose of being complete ego-centric jack-offs so that people get high blood pressure and the pharmaceutical companies and doctors are guaranteed a fat, consistent paycheck. 

I think the mental health field is in on it too. 

This is the only explanation for why someone would take 20 minutes to order one burrito at Qdoba, like it’s a funny game. This chick knew she was being an asshole.

Lord, please give me the strength, patience, and resilience to deal with these unaware, selfish people when I’m dangerously-and when I say dangerously, I mean, I almost did murder-hangry. 

Please don’t hold this fatty up, playing like you don’t know what pork tastes like, because you don’t want to be between me and a burrito. 

You do not. 

Author: fattymccupcakes

Just a thirty-something girl trying to love herself the way she is: fat, rolls, cellulite, and fabulousness.

45 thoughts on “Ándale, Asshole”

  1. I love the “make it look like an accident” bit. I may have to use that line.
    I’m not defending the indecisive fast food orderers out there. Make a decision, deal with the consequences, it’s a $6 lunch, not whether or not you get the surgery for your dying dog. However, can’t you call in your order?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. SERIOUSLY! It’s like it’s the decision of a lifetime!!! I think I’ll look into calling in my order, but pretty sure you have to wait in line behind the assholes before you can get to counter to tell them you ordered food. So, you’re really only saving the time it would take to order your own food.


  2. OK, I love Chipotle. I have not been to a Qdoba, but I’m sure I would nom that bad boy just as rapido.

    At Chipotle the menus are right there as you walk in – so noobs can do all their calorie calculations and macro ratios or whatevs while they wait. They do keep people moving pretty quickly. I think the culture there is one of crowdshaming if you’re indecisive…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve actually never been to a Chipotle since their little contamination issue. I was totally crowdshaming this dumbass, because she thought she was being funny by being indecisive and slow. Nope, it ain’t cute, and in fact, Imma cut a bitch in 3, 2, 1…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t do burrito places but there’s this pizza place called MOD where I live. Where they make your pizza with what you want on it. Seriously I can give my list in a coma: gf crust, pesto, cheese, more please, chicken, bacon, artichokes, roasted garlic, no the whole cloves, red onions and drizzle that with balsamic after it comes out of the oven. Why, why is that so hard? Even my seven year old knows what he wants: gf crust, red sauce, cheese, more please, pepperoni, sausage, black olives.
    I always feel like a steer roper, I want to fling my arms in the air and shout done after I rattle this shit off. LOL.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. That is hilarious! I feel exactly the same at Starbucks – WTF? Who orders half this, half that, caramel, soy milk, yada, yada, yada – and then they still complain! Just have a bloody milky coffee or a plain one.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Even when I roll into a new place, I still study the menu before I step in line to order. It isn’t that hard to know when you walk in the door and think…”Hmm, I want chicken, beef, dog, cat, or pork.” It isn’t that tough, why make it tough? Why piss me off? Why? Why? Why? Ok….I’m letting the rage go..I’m ok…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh my god. How did I find you?!? This is seriously hilarious and it so many good cords. Who questions if they want sour cream or not? Who doesn’t like guacamole? And LOLOLOL hard at the veggies= no calories line.


    Liked by 1 person

  7. Qsedo? is that sour cream? I’m glad I don’t have to get in line ahead of you. My life would be in jeopardy as I have no f’n idea what all those things are! I’m have zilch burrito knowledge 😦 I’m obviously missing something awesome.
    I also came by to beg a thousand pardons and give a million thanks for the many visits to my blog over at Soul Gifts. *deep humble bow*

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Chipotle and I get along just fine, but I NEVER go to the one in my town. There are always long lines and lots of drama at the one near me. And there are WOMEN WHO WAIT UNTIL THEY GET TO THE FRONT OF THE LONG, winding line to ask their passel of children what they want. They had TWENTY idle minutes with the menu board in clear view to ascertain that info!!! I’m not a professional fatty, I’m not even all that hungry, but it makes me nuts.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. As always, a home run! So fucking funny! I thought I was the only one that pissed around her burrito. I’m like Jacob and imprinting on it and the only thing between me and my burrito are the above mentioned ass holes. You just wanna be like “Fucking choose! There is only 1 type of chicken and 1 type of lettuce!”


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