Turned to Poo

I was trying really hard to pull an Eat, Pray, Love during my massage today. No, I did not try to sneak in a sandwich (maybe next time). I tried to meditate and think of nothing. I tried the mindful practice strategies that I’ve taught to my students. I tried to concentrate only on my breath and the sensations of the stress being kneaded out of my body. I tried. But, as with most things in my life, I failed. Epically. 

All I could do was think. 

This past month has felt like a fucking nightmare. Parts of the nightmare I can get into, others I can’t and won’t divulge.

Obviously, if you’ve been following my blog, or you know me personally, you know I left my boyfriend. I will never publically bash the man I gave five years of my life to, but I will say that I had thought I had already grieved the end of our relationship. Before I ever even got out of it. Well, I hadn’t grieved. Not even fucking close. Finally cutting the cord was harder than I thought it would be. In fact, to date, it was/is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. 

I’ve never been the one to dump. I’ve always been the dumpee or the jackass who gets cheated on. I’ve always been the one beating the dead horse, holding on for dear life to something that had been long dead. 
When I decided to decline the job offer in England, I knew that despite my not jetting off to change my life abroad, I would still need to make massive changes at home. You don’t always have to pull an Under the Tuscan Sun or EPL to change your life for the better. 

Well, “for the better” has not appeared yet. In fact, almost daily I wish I can go back in time to when my life was a familiar pile of poo, because this new poo smells terrible. 

Yeah, I know, time heals all wounds. And all of that garbage. 

The most eye-opening thing I’ve realized lately, I thought of during my massage today. 

Every single good thing that has happened this past year has turned to utter shit. 

For ease of reading, I’ll just make a stinking pile of shit list:

1. The “writing” gig for Bliss Babe was a joke. 

2. I epically failed my first Master’s class and am in the appeal process still. 

3. While my decision to not go to England was based on logic and lack of cash money, it still sucks to think I could be drinking tea and eating crumpets right now (actually, I’d be asleep, because it’s 5 in the morning there as I write this). 

4. Even though it was inevitable, the relationship I gave my all and five years of my best years to failed. 

So, all of this to say, this is why I’ve been MIA on the blogging front. 

Oh, I forgot one more:

5. After not blogging for a month, I’ve likely lost most of my followers. 

YAY. 

Author: fattymccupcakes

Just a thirty-something girl trying to love herself the way she is: fat, rolls, cellulite, and fabulousness.

34 thoughts on “Turned to Poo”

  1. You have a good 50 years ahead of you AT LEAST. You can focus on the past ONE or you can focus on making the rest glorious. Your next post could be about all of the great things you’ve done and learned up to now. And after that, a list of the amazing goals you have for your beautiful future! Your cup is not empty, Katie. Even if you are down to your last drop, it’s still partly full . . . 😘

    Liked by 1 person

  2. me too! We’ve all had to contend with our own piles of poo so I know where you’re coming from. After a while it stops stinking – or is it that you just get used to the smell! Seriously though, shit eventually composts and turns into rich soil for new growth. Just sayin’ – hang in there πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  3. oh no!! I’m sorry life has been so bad lately! But I do think that things will always turn around, and that eventually things will work out (like that new awesome apartment of yours!) fingers crossed for you friend! And you haven’t lost this follower πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  4. On the plus column you haven’t lost all of your readers. That’s a bummer. That’s all that I can offer. Yes, these things all suck, but you can and will recover. I particularly relate to this post having done a cliff dive into a depression vortex. “I’ve always been the one beating the dead horse.” I feel that. But also, sometimes, and definitely times like this, I have to consciously tell myself, “Hey, my brain, stop being a dick.” This is a low, but there will be highs. It seems cliche and dammit, it is, but fuck right now. Right now is an asshole. There are plenty of positive things you may be overlooking as you’re swirling in the depression vortex. But nothing is as bad as it seems. We’re all pulling for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. HUGS… I’m still here. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through so much shit. But as a shit survivor I can promise it gets better… and I suck at mediation… my brain don’t know how to chill out.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Don’t worry about the lost “followers”. The ones who matter are still here, and we have your back. You know what? I call bullshit on “Eat,Pray,Love” because most of us are not working with a Julia Roberts budget. What do you want to try where you live now? I challenge you to do it, and I challenge myself too. I’m in a rut too, girl.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Ya know…there’s a lot I want to do that my partner doesn’t. Our work schedules are opposite,but we have Sundays and Mondays off together. I’ve gotten into a bad habit of planning all of my recreational time around those days, but I do have the time to take classes in the evenings or join a meet-up group. Instead, I flop down on the couch after work, and wait for Sunday and Monday to roll around. By then, I’m raring to go on adventures, but he’s rightfully exhausted from his work, and just wants to chill. I hate being a chameleon, but it’s so easy to do so when you’re in a relationship. He’s not holding me back. I am.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. He makes me happy, but I guess I’m saying that I need to rely on myself to make me abundantly happy. We share some common interests, but both have interests in things the other just won’t get. He’s never going to like dancing. He feels awkward, but I love dancing. In this scenario, I want to push myself out of my comfort zone and take a solo dancing class. That’s something that’s hard for me because I’ve grown used to doing every activity with him. I know in my heart that we’ll be better for each other if we pursue our own interests, but it’s hard to break from the routine. He does support me though.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. You gained me. I really like reading your blog and was wondering why I hadn’t been getting any notifications from you when I saw I wasn’t following you. Ah, the horror of realising the chocolate you thought was being frozen in the fridge and you were waiting patiently for was actually melting in the heat (not a good metaphor, I agree). So, in short, I am following you now and I send you my heartfelt feelings that no everything won’t be all right. It can never be. But I’m sure you’ll do well. I have a feeling you’re built to last…

    Liked by 1 person

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