Hello, My Name is Fertie McCerpcerks

So, I was totally meaning to share my beautiful school picture with ya’ll months ago, but being a teacher, tutor, and have-to-do-everything-during-the-holidays-freak kind of distracted me. 

I’m excited for the holiday break coming up. Maybe I’ll find some inspiration to write some little ditties (is that how that’s spelled? It kind of looks like a dirty word to me…no?)

Anyway.

So, way back in the beginning of the school year, was one of my most favorite days ever. 

I mean, I get up early and actually do my hair for this momentous day. 

I pick out a special outfit that I hope will say, “I’m a teacher, but that doesn’t mean I’ve resigned myself to denim jumpers and solid white orthopedic shoes”. 

I make sure my eyebrows are on fleek. Or, at least, they’re laying in the right direction. 

I.get.up.early. Did I already mention that part?

Unless you’re a skimmer (and you missed that part) or you’re shit at comprehending what you read, I’m talking about picture day. 

So, I hate picture day. 

I am not the most photogenic of people, and there’s something just downright evil about school pictures. 

Maybe it’s the lighting. Maybe it’s the ridiculous glamour shot poses they make you sit in. Maybe it’s just that I look like a tool when I fake smile. 

Because my eyes always look like two, tiny, beady little assholes smashed into fat cheeks, I decided to wear my hipster glasses.

This was my ultimate downfall- I just didn’t know it when I was trying to make myself look half decent. 

After my super awesome “modeling” sesh this last spring, I learned some tricks of the trade. I fully planned on incorporating what I learned so that I didn’t get lost in my chins like every effing year. 

So, I started out with jutting my chin out like an utter idiot as my first trick. After that I firmly planted my tongue against the back of my teeth. 

Then, I waited for the already-over-it photographer to take my first ever decent school picture. 

He snapped once, checked out his work, and then shook his head, disapprovingly. 

“Your glasses are creating a huge glare. It’s going to feel weird, but I need you to put your head down, look up, and stick your chin out by straining your neck forward.”

I almost just said, “Actually I’ll just take the glare”, but I did what I was told like a good teacher.

Want to know what it looks like when you  are jutting your chin down, but out, as you look up, expectantly, all the while holding in a gnarly fart?

Well, this is what that looks like:


HOW YOU DOIN

I give up trying to take a decent school pic. 

My eyes still look beady and my forehead looks six inches tall.

I look like I’m 12 years old. 

I look like I have a naughty secret. 

I look like I’m holding in a fart (well, I guess I really was). 

I’m so excited that this will be included in the school’s teacher and faculty photo page for everyone at school to see. So excited.

Well, now the whole world (at least my followers) get to see it first. 

Today I got some mini stickers, so I can share my derp face with family and friends. 

Oy vey. 

Author: fattymccupcakes

Just a thirty-something girl trying to love herself the way she is: fat, rolls, cellulite, and fabulousness.

30 thoughts on “Hello, My Name is Fertie McCerpcerks”

  1. Okay, two photo stories for you.

    1. Mom went to get her license renewed. Goes to the counter, fills out the forms…”Stand over there and wait.” Okay. She stands. She waits. “Ma’am?” She turns, “Huh?” CLICK they snap the pic. I think it was the original derp.

    2. My ex-brother-in-law used to work for UPS. He washed – and dried – his ID. All of it was fine except HIS FACE MELTED. It looked like a comic strip in silly putty….HILARIOUS (wish I’d stolen it)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think you are pretty. If it makes you feel better, I usually look like a mental patient that has been let out for good behavior in my pics. (not trying to offend anyone, but it’s true) My kids always say “that’s not true mom!”…….but then they hold their bellies and laugh and laugh at my pictures.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh sweet Jesus I have missed your blog. Firstly, your photo is perfection — most of us can only wish to take such good photos wearing glasses! Secondly, your descriptions, as usual, are comedic gold.

    PS please teach me photo shoot techniques. I feel like my downfall is accidentally squinting so much that my eyes are practically shut in ever photo. 😂

    Liked by 1 person

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