For this week’s installment of WTF Wednesday, it’s all about those dick diets that we all love so much (In no way am I insinuating that a particular body part is for lunch. I am using ‘dick’ like ‘jerk’. Got it?)
If you ever wondered why dieting sucks so much and it’s so damn hard (shit, I really shouldn’t have used the word ‘dick’, because now every other word has another meaning), it’s because diets taste freaking disgusting.
If I could, without guilt or consequence, continue eating marshmallow fluff and Nutella sandwiches for breakfast, till my dying day, I’d be a very happy, agreeable, and stress-free person.
But, because Heaven on Earth sandwiches make me fat and unhealthy, I get to eat unsweetened oatmeal and farty hard-boiled eggs for breakfast now.
Along with finally trying to get my eating back on track, I’ve recently purchased organic colon cleanse pills and doTERRA Slim and Sassy.
Because anything that’s quick and easy is my game.
Let’s start with the colon cleanse.
Never have these two words together ever sounded like a good time to me. Sure, it sounds like it’s maybe a good idea, because it’s supposed to rid you of the nasty sludge that gets built up in the intestines. But, the actual process of a colon cleanse?
When I bought these pills, I specifically asked if they’d make me poop my pants. I was assured it was a slow, not unpleasant process.
As much as I’d like to share some embarrassing story about how I was lied to and that I did actually crap my pants at school, it’s just not what happened.
In fact, nothing has happened. Like, nothing.
Maybe they are magic pills and they cleanse unknowingly, invisibly, magically. Or, I got scammed.
I could have performed a more successful cleanse by eating from the shady roach coach that parks across from the strip club downtown.
Next, let’s discuss Slim & Sassy by doTERRA.
First, I have to make it clear that I am a hardcore fan of doTERRA essential oils. I know and love a couple consultants, and they are why I’m addicted to the amazing Past Tense for my headaches. So, I’m in no way dissing the company at all.
But, Slim & Sassy is straight up “I’ll Just Stay Fat & Nasty”.
This morning, I excitedly dropped a couple drops in my water, did a sniff test, and nervously took a tiny sip.
I CAN’T EVEN EXPLAIN THE FLAVOR.
It’s like your water has been tainted with grass-flavored peppermint grapefruit bark.
And, now, my brand new “Boss Lady” metal water bottle will never be the same.
Needless to say, S&S is not my jam.
Not only did it taste just incredibly odd, it mildly burned my lips and then left them numb.
In the middle of my light and sound read aloud, I started slurring my speech and drooling down my chin.
As a teacher, this is just not a good look.
I don’t think I can stand trying Slim & Sassy again. My gag reflex is activating just thinking about it. Anyone want an almost-full bottle?
In ending, I’m literally a walking billboard for the fact that almost all diet “tricks” do.not.work.
The only thing that works is to stop pounding cake into your fat gob as if it were the end of days.
This is why I struggle, because feeding Bertha* tastes a million times better than tainted water, sulfur eggs, and grass pills that just make my belch-y breath smell like fertilizer.
*Bertha is my belly