WTF Wednesday #4: The Leggings Spread

It’s no secret that it’s my belief that leggings are life. They are insanely comfortable, they don’t cut painfully into your fat, and they don’t feel the need to remind you every time you yank them on that you’ve been laying the butter on pretty heavy lately. 

I seriously have a definite love affair with my collection of leggings. It’s almost sick, guys. 

I treat them better than my poor boyfriend. 

I never dry them, and I bought a deliciously scented fabric softener to make them smell irresistible (is it weird I feel the need to have my pants smelling irresistible?) I also bought special hangers, because you don’t put these babies in a drawer. 

Because I’ve been so comfortable and happy, I’ve hardly noticed it. 

Noticed what, you ask? 

The Spread.

Due to the elastic, forgiving nature of leggings, it’s easy to not realize when your girth starts to spread in all directions. 

I’ve been ignorantly blissful about my weight these past few months. 

That is, until I decided to wear jeans to school. Whatever possessed me to think this was a good idea is beyond me. 

Because all of my jeans have a ridiculous amount of stretch, I didn’t really notice it until I sat down in my chair at school. 

Thank you, Baby Jesus and all that is holy, that this occurred before my class was present. 

When I sat down, due to the sheer force of my stomach, my pants jumped ship as Bertha spilled over the top, like overflowing bread dough in the oven. 

It happened in slo-mo and I just sat, stunned, watching my spilling fat. 

The rest of the day I spent sucking as much in as possible as to not knock an unsuspecting kid in the face with my fat. 

Fuck. I’m disgusting. 

I’ve figured out what the real purpose of jeans are-they are your First Alert Weight Gain System. If you can still breathe in your buttoned jeans, you’re golden. If you need an inhaler after buttoning, you fat, friend. 

Real pants are assholes, but they are like those true friends who don’t feed you any bullshit. They both won’t hesitate to tell you you’re looking like a polar bear in a puffy jacket. 

Maybe real pants aren’t as useless as I’ve been believing. As soon as I can fit into my jeans again, I’ll maybe put them back into the wardrobe rotation. But, just so we’re clear, I’m still wearing leggings the majority of the week. I’m not about jean-everyday- life anymore. 

Bend your knees for the added power and energy you’re gonna need to cram yourself into your neglected jeans.
When the button doesn’t take the first try…
Jump. Because jumping into your jeans is the obvious answer. Sorry, neighbor. No, I’m fine. No, a large piece of furniture didn’t fall over. Just fuck off, OK?
Is it just me, or does this look like my butt is on backwards?! Something doesn’t add up here.
Screw it. I’ll just wear my leggings.

An extra special “thank you” to my boyfriend, who just said, “You want me to do what?” and “OK, let’s do this” when I told him I wanted to recreate squeezing into my jeans. 

Ladies, learn from me. Even if you don’t plan on actually wearing those asshole jeans, try them on, at least once a month, to monitor how far your Leggings Spread has grown. 

You’ll thank me later. 

Author: fattymccupcakes

Just a thirty-something girl trying to love herself the way she is: fat, rolls, cellulite, and fabulousness.

58 thoughts on “WTF Wednesday #4: The Leggings Spread”

  1. I can no longer read these while an insomniac. My laughing out loud at 1 a.m. Is going to wake husband and dogs! “Thank you, baby Jesus and all that’s holy.” So funnyπŸ˜‚

    Liked by 2 people

  2. O…m…g…. I just almost died laughing!!! I too am a total leggings girl. The best pants to wear especially in nursery (kindergarten) with all the getting on the floor! But it took me realising too late that the comfort was misleading… as I too had put on lots of weight!
    Now I’ve lost nearly 14 kilos and still wear them but check my jeans out regularly like you lol!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Love love love my LulaRoe leggings….but had to do laundry the other day and since I don’t dry mine either they weren’t quite dry in time for work the next day. So I too tested out those hideous mean jeans!!!! although I did get into them I almost exploded getting out of them! Couldn’t wait to put on some leggings when I got home.. Love you lots Fatty McCupcakes!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Okay you missed a crucial step in getting the jeans zipped. (This is how we did it in the 80s….)

    Once you did the jump…grab a clothes hanger. The cheap wire kind is best for this.

    Now, LAY DOWN on the bed. On your back. You might be able to do up the button now if you suck in – YAY GRAVITY. As for that pesky zipper….see how the zipper pull has a hole in it? Thread the “hook” of the hanger through that hole. Grip the triangular “hanger” part with both hands and pull that bad boy UP like you’re doing curls at the gym.

    Voila.

    Pants be zipped. You can’t actually stand UP…but they’re ON. And ON means they FIT!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. The few times I wasn’t parenting my mother, my mom did give me one piece of great advice. She always said never wear pants with an elastic waistband because you’ll never know when you’re getting fat. She learned this the hard way as a nurse, always wearing scrubs. My skinny jeans are a daysize 8 but because I let the fat fall over, II should probably be wearing a 10. Great topic!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Oh saaaaaame…. I have all the Lularoe leggings and special tiered hangers to hang them on. Also hadn’t worn jeans in yeaaars because of ever increasing fat until last fall when I found an awesome pair that fit great before I moved (And somehow lost in the move!!) But out jc Penney is closing it’s doors in a couple of days so I bucked up and went jeans shopping and found some good fits for cheap, even got corduroys for 95% off… I’m gonna need “real” pants come winter again lol. At least the fit me well and are comfy for now! I’ll try to wear them on the regular so I don’t get a false sense of slimness with my leggings again!!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I usually hate it but I got 2 pairs of $70 jeans for $15ish and another pair for $5ish… and later 5 or 6 pairs of $50 corduroys for $4 a piece… the thought of the MAJOR savings for quality items that would hopefully fit was worth the effort I usually wouldn’t take (I hate trying deep on… fitting rooms so hot and stuffy and I get all sweaty from the efforts uuuggghhh)

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Not sure… our mall is a sad little mall that is mostly empty… they are soon going to be opening new stores and are starting to revitalize it… but I expect the Penneys has been underperforming and not being a viable store anymore

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’ve heard Penneys and Sears are closing a lot of stores nationwide… bankruptcies etc. I think all Sears except hometownstores are supposed to close i heard… but i dunno details about specific areas

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s