Flashback Friday: My Armpits-A Realization

For this week’s installment of #fbf, I am re-posting about how my armpits have gained weight, because it still very much applies to my life. Enjoy, and here is hoping you don’t share my affliction!

So, I’m about to be really real here. Some of you might not be able to handle the truth bombs coming at you. Brace yourselves (do you notice that I feel the need to say “brace yourselves” almost every post? I wonder if that’s bad?). 

Ready? 

Here goes.

I haven’t shaved my armpits in at least a month. Probably more like two months. I know. 

Super gross. 

What does my poor boyfriend think of this utter disregard of my sex appeal? I know you’re all wondering. Despite the fact that he has no say in the removal of my body hair, as he does not have to spend hours doing it, he, admittedly, is not a fan. At all.

What reason do I possibly have to avoid shaving long enough to have pit hair that could rival that of Meat Loaf’s hair, circa 1977? Really, it all comes down to the fact that I’m lazy af. And, its cardigan season. Double duh.

This post really isn’t about shaving (or not shaving) armpits. No. This post is about what I discovered when I succumbed to peer pressure and finally shaved under my arms.

Usually, I don’t look to see how great of a job I am doing when I shave my pits, because I just don’t care. Normally, it’s just a quick swipe, then on to the next hairy location on my body. This morning, however, I figured I had better look, as there was a significant amount of hair there. Long hair.

After my usual quick swipe job, what I saw was equal parts amusing and terrifying. My armpits looked like a balding Chewbacca.

*Shudder*

Good Lord. I better go back over a couple (20) times.

After taking another go at it, my armpits still looked like an-in-denial-comb-over.

What the actual hell? How is there still hair there? What fresh hell is this? I have been at this for at least 10 minutes. My fingers are even getting pruney.

I went over and over my poor, now irritated pits, and still there were stragglers. No luck. It had to be my razor. After attempting to shave with my boyfriend’s questionable-use razor, I decided to do some inspecting.

WTF. 

There’s still hair! What is going on? What is…What the…There is something bulbous going on. OMG.

Good God Almighty. No. Please no. 

It’s the only explanation.

Some of my boobs have moved into my armpits. 

Instead of migrating south for winter, my breasts decided to wait out the cold on separate coasts.  That was the only explanation for the lumpy, bumpy state of my pits.

Except, after even more thorough inspection (at this point, the water has run cold, I have a crick in my neck, and I’m practically 100% prune), all of my boobs were in their usual locations. They hadn’t done much moving since I last discovered 33 is not like 23 at all.

So, what kind of debauchery was this? What was going on?

Suddenly, it hit me.

My armpits are fat.

My.armpits.are.fucking.fat.

Now, along with every other part of my body, I have to feel insecure about my damn armpits. How will I survive tank top season? It’s bad enough that I have fat wings, now this? 

When I have let it sink in that I have obese armpits, I will let everyone know what my next move is. I think this might be that glaring red flag that I hear so much about.

*Did I trick ya? As much as it would be awesome if that was my hairy armpit in the above picture, it’s not. Alas, it’s the boyfriend’s. Don’t even ask how I got him to let me snap a pic of his pit…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author: fattymccupcakes

Just a thirty-something girl trying to love herself the way she is: fat, rolls, cellulite, and fabulousness.

86 thoughts on “Flashback Friday: My Armpits-A Realization”

  1. I hate shaving!! It’s such a pain. I used to love shaving in the shower but I’d have to do it right away with my glasses on. I am so blind without them. Here I don’t have an enclosed shower so I’ve had to become creative (especially with my legs). My pits are due for some serious TLC though. Thankfully I have no boy to complain, and my hair is white so it can go unnoticed a little bit longer haha.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. LOL! You would have to wear your glasses in the shower to shave? That’s gotta be awkward! I don’t need to really see, I just swipe and hope it’s good enough. The dangerous part is that my hair is DARK! You can see it before it even pokes out of my skin 😩 I would SO get total body permanent hair removal if I could afford it, but I’m not a millionaire πŸ˜”

      Liked by 3 people

      1. I have kind of bony ankles so if I swipe wrong, then it can cause a lot of damage haha! I used to do it before the shower, but its warm in there πŸ™‚ The awkward wasn’t bad, just the steam – leave the curtain open enough for cooler air to come in and keep the lenses clear. I would sooo be all over permanent hair removal as well. But same as you, not a millionaire

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Haha! I’d be in the actual shower, just with the water pointed a little away and at the far end to keep the curtain open a little bit haha. It totally sucks having to do it outside of a shower environment – I miss my enclosed shower 😦

        Liked by 1 person

      3. It’s what’s common in single apartments here, you have a bathroom that is wall and floor all tiles, the door way is raised about 6 inches, and then the shower hose is attached to the sink. So when you turn on the sink, there is a knob you turn, all the way to the left diverts water from the sink to the shower, and then you just shower there, and there is a drain on the floor.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. yeah….. pretty much! lol altho this bathroom is smaller than the one I had in Osan, so the floor dries a lot faster. And I shower at night so it’s not too much of an inconvenience. I have a friend who has an enclosed shower at her place and i am SO jealous

        Liked by 1 person

      1. I was chuckling over your antics with the hairy armpit, then discovered that your breasts have grown bigger *only it turns out that your armpit or arms got fatter* I thought I was one of those that stared balefully at my upper arms and pits. It sounded so funny how similar we can all be at times.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hahahaha we are all so similar, really. I think all women would feel more at one if we knew that we all feel these things. Part of why I write is to connect to all women, all over the globe. It makes me feel wonderful to know that, at the end of the day, we are all just women lamenting the loss of our perky breasts or feeling deflated over fat armpits πŸ˜œπŸ˜©πŸ˜‚

        Like

  2. Haha 2 months with pit air? Wasn’t it itchy?! My armpits get so itchy if I don’t shave them. Plus, it normally only takes a few seconds. Whereas my legs… I’ll let those go a bit. It makes me feel like a yeti or something, but shaving your legs takes too damn long. My poor husband.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m with ya Chewbacca! Winter=less shaving. Sorry, men! When I do shave my pits, I have to manually adjust the corresponding tit to reach the pit. I know it’s armpit fat, but I prefer to think of it as a ‘knocker problem’. πŸ€“

    Liked by 1 person

  4. OMG I hate shaving it is so annoying! When I first began dating my boyfriend I used to shave everything the day before we’d meet so I was at my baldest lol. After a year I can careless! I would normally spend the winter a hair scary but I still shave because I wear shorts or capris at the gym and I don’t want people judging my legs… I need to work on that!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I really shouldn’t laugh about obese armpits but that is so funny! LMAO. Only Americans are hung up on shaving everything. I had a lovely all-over pelt when living in Egypt – no-one could see anything . πŸ™‚

    Liked by 3 people

  6. The first blog post I read here and you did not disappoint. I will definitely be back. PS I can go a month or two between pit swipes, and yet I shave my legs every. single. day.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I did in fact spring for the laser – just for the pits and to tidy up the Bermuda Triangle a bit. BEST DECISION EVAH. No stubble, no regrowth, my pits are as smooth as a baby’s rump roast. It works REALLY well if you have dark hair and light skin.

    My legs? Well, I’m not a millionaire either, and I think you could file cut boards on my Ironman stubble.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. YES. I have like 2-3 hairs that I need to pluck from the right side – I guess that’s the mathematician left-brain making sure we don’t have 100% reduction. But no ingrowns, no bumps….it’s amazeballs.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I am about to *reveal* a deep, personal and private secret. I can’t remember when I last shaved ANYTHING. Seriously. I have aged disgracefully *hangs head in shame*. I’m lyin’ – about the shame πŸ™‚ My obese pits get the occassional waxing – zip, zap, hair be gone. There’s less of it as you age. Besides, shaving and deodorants give me THE most wicked rash. So I went cold turkey. My pits are grateful. As for the legs – what hair I have lies hidden beneath cloth never to see the light of day πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Itchy pits are the pits! I’ve tried them all, including bicarb soda (if you’re damp it fizzes and stings) , talcum powder (one made from silk is best).. the itches develop into nasty, painful rashes. And then I have to resort to cortisone cream 😦 That’s why I stopped the shave/deodorant thingy.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Yes, there is less hair as you age. But there are new hairs. New ugly hairs that require me to remove them from my chin with tweezers. And eventually, even though those chin hairs start out black…eventually they turn gray and are like fishing line. That’s what bifocals are for. πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Embrace the pit hair!! Hairless pits are for the pre-pubescent. Give yourself a trim and you’re good to go. πŸ™‚ I realize this is not a popular opinion in the US, though. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

      1. India. Not many women in India wear a lot of sleeveless things. So, armpits are covered for about 80-90% of women. I grew up seeing my mom and aunts just trimming their armpit hair, not shaving it. So, I am not grossed out by it. It just seems natural without being weird. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  11. I wish I had recorded myself laughing at this, it was one of those piq-squeal ones where I couldn’t draw breath quick enough. You had be at ‘balding Chewbacca’. I think I found this even funnier because I can totally relate, I’m just writing a post about my newly found ‘ muffin top’, and as for pits, I have one that sweats and one that doesn’t… freak!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I saw the pic and thought..’did she actually take an arm pit shot??’ – I have to read this post!
    Hilarious!!!
    My friends got the laser treatment done and I’m tempted but it’s pricey! Until then shave or wear cardigans!

    Like

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