WTFW: Pasta-palooza Pity Party

Ya’ll.

Ugh.

OK. I started my “food plan” (I was going to put “dick diet” in parentheses to emphasize my utter disgrace for this food plan I’m on, but, well, “dick diet” could send the wrong message. Phew. Glad I caught that before publishing.)

So, I feel like any time I start a food plan, I ought to send out a mass message. You know, like, a PSA.


This message would serve a dual purpose: to warn and to implore.

A warning, because ain’t no one seen hangry like this kind of hangry.

It starts around 8 AM, when I realize I don’t have a glazed pastry for second breakfast.

It continues when I’m rabidly hungry before my feeding time while monitoring the lunchroom as 100 students stuff their faces with food, and I can’t ask anymore if they’re going to finish their obviously-unloved-food.

I get really effing hangry when I all have to get me through the after-lunch-slump is water instead of 15 Hershey Kisses.

When I get home, and I’m positively famished, don’t even try to look at me unless you’re sprawled out in front of the refrigerator, buck naked, seductively balancing a burrito on your balls.

Don’t.EVEN.

A plea, because as much as I want a gooey, carby, chewy, sweet donut in my mouth, I can’t anymore. My leggings are starting to get stretched out. I just can’t, ya’ll.

Please, please, please do not tell me there are muffins and bagels in the staff lounge. I’ll run my fat ass down there and eat one of each while the rest of my sensible colleagues eat half of either/or.

Please don’t invite me to any parties, celebrations, or special eating functions. The second I see more than one kind of dip, mayo and cheese-based anything, and an over-frosted Costco birthday cake, I’m not giving two shits how many points the 80th dip-covered-chip I’m cramming in my gob will clock in at.

I.have.no.control. 

It’s not that I don’t want to help you celebrate. I’ll FaceTime you and sing you Happy Birthday/Congrats/Good Luck, while I eat my Laughing Cow cheese and cucumber. Just don’t let me see any of the food. 

Sweet baby Jesus and all that is holy, don’t let me see the food. 
(Actually, I hate talking on the phone, and FaceTime is the devil. I’ll just text you.)

I would like to point out that I DO NOT like the fact that I cannot be trusted at parties and get-togethers. I, too, wish that I could attend events without eating enough for three people. I am sorry I suck.

So, as per usual, the week I finally start to get my fat act together, there’s a staff luncheon. Unless you weren’t already aware, teachers, despite being overworked and overextended, know how to work it in the kitchen. The staff luncheons are one of my favorite days of the month. Not to mention, there is usually a Costco cake to celebrate the birthdays that month. There ain’t anything better in this world!

This month, the grade level hosting is doing a Pasta-palooza.

A FUCKING PASTA EXTRAVAGANZA. 

I seriously think I will need to get a sub that day.

How in all-that-is-good-and-right-in-this-world will I resist loading my plate with carby goodness and luscious sauce?

Sure, I could always just not go to the staff lounge and be sad eating my salad. But, that only works when I have not one clue that there is food to be had.

It has already been advertised.

This is my problem-the fact that, like a crack addict, I can’t even be within a mile radius of my drug of choice. When your drug is food, that is flat-out impossible.

It is going to take the power of the gods and every ounce of whatever tiny shred of willpower I have in my body to not participate in Pasta-palooza.

Pray for me.

What are YOUR methods for resisting temptations? Let me know in the comments, and maybe I can be helped. Maybe.

Enjoy these memes that I made here. Weight Watchers uses points to track food. Fuck points right now. 




All of the memes I generated here were done on imgflip

Author: fattymccupcakes

Just a thirty-something girl trying to love herself the way she is: fat, rolls, cellulite, and fabulousness.

62 thoughts on “WTFW: Pasta-palooza Pity Party”

  1. I think it sounds like you’re on the wrong plan. Surely you shouldn’t be that hungry!? 😦
    Could you not go for a Mediterranean diet and keep some carbs and pasta so you don’t become sad and hangry?

    Have you ever tried the 2-5 diet? You eat very little on two days of the week, and whatever you want on the other 5. I can’t cope with it (on the fasting days all I can think about is food, and it stresses me out!) But that worked really well for my husband… I thought it might be good for you so you can eat things that you like most of the time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! I’ve never heard of that diet! I feel like I’d just go balls to the wall crazy and it would just negate the 2 days of fasting! It’s something I can research, though. I’m exaggerating A LOT, but the start of eating less on any plan really blows!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. There was a TV programme here in the UK a while ago (it was on the BBC, so totally legit) that got loads of different overweight folks and worked out scientifically which type of diet would suit each of them. There was an online quiz at the same time that could show you what type of diet might help your eating habits. I’ll see if I can find it for you.

        Then there was a second programme about the 5:2 diet. It was done by a scientist bloke who looked into how the diet affected his body. He’s been on TV a few times since then and remained skinny, so it works for some people.

        Anyway, I tried the 5:2 thing and sort of managed it. It just made me go crazy thinking about food. My husband coped much better with it.

        Like

  2. It took a good 4-5 months off chemo before my appetite came back. Dayum! It came back with a vengeance. I will literally shovel anything into my piehole that isn’t tied down and I ain’t 20 anymore. It’s hard when you have an appetite like a truck driver and you’re constantly around food. I feel for you. My sister is a teacher. She says there is always food around and it’s never healthy. Stay strong, woman. Great memes, btw.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Being a teacher has totally added to my weight! Every effing Friday there are treats in the staff lounge. EVERY FRIDAY. ARG! I love it, but I hate it! Isn’t it crazy how appetite always seems to come back to bite you in the ass? It’s so easy to gain weight, almost impossible to lose it!

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    1. I’ll have to show you how expert I am at loading a tiny plate! I really should have been an engineer 😂😂😂😂 BUT, in all seriousness, I like tiny plates, because it makes it look like you’re eating more than you really are. Total win 👍

      Liked by 2 people

  3. pack a salad and eat SOME of what they offer. have someone make you a plate so you don’t go in and see it all.
    things i do to resist temptation? Drink a lot of water- its amazing how full water can make you.
    small snacks throughout the day go a long way, too.
    eat some. i firmly don’t believe in diets… unless you’re literally just trying to wear a dress for one day and need to lose 7 pounds to do so. i don’t believe in diets.
    i believe in making healthy choices that will be maintainable. eat wheat pasta with lighter sauces. only have one slice of garlic bread with pasta. put veggies in your sauce (you cant even taste it). make your meals healthier but still enjoyable.
    its literally all about moderation.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I agree. It’s ALL about moderation. Portion size is really all I need to concern myself with. I don’t believe true diets work either. I don’t consider Weight Watchers a diet. It’s a food plan. I can, in essence, eat anything I want, but just in smaller portions and in a reasonable way. I don’t do reasonable. I’ve never been successful being the kind of person who can eat in moderation without a tracking system, because a cup of pasta turns into half a plate, because it’s basically the same amount. Great idea to have someone make my plate for me!! I’m going to try that!

      Liked by 2 people

  4. there are so many tasty substitutes. Have you tried edamame pasta? Half the carbs and mass protein. And once you sauce it, same taste and consistency.
    Weight Watchers type diets never worked for me. But if that’s what you’re doing, try this website. http://www.emilybites.com she gives WW points for each of her recipes.
    I personally cut grains and sugar to lose.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’m agreeing with all the comments posted before me! Drink LOTS of water! I know as a teacher that is hard because you can’t just go to the bathroom whenever you need to. Also, small snacks! When I am trying to curb my eating habits, I don’t really eat meals, I eat small amounts throughout the day. When at a party, instead of taking a huge plate of food, I put maybe like half a spoon of this, and half a spoon of that, and make sure I’m having a really good conversation while eating! The longer it takes you to finish your plate, the easier it will be to feel full by the time it’s done.

    And also: you shouldn’t be feeling so horrible with your new meal plan! (ps: I love the idea of the words meal plan…i hate the word diet). Just smaller portions of everything you love.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m not having a truly terrible time. Remember, I write satire and I’m a master in hyperbole (or, so I think 😂😂😂). No matter what kind of “diet” or eating plan you start, the not eating all the things stage SUCKS! Yup, drinking water at work is crazy hard! Gah! Good ideas about the parties! It’s too bad that I’m a massive introvert and hate talking to people at parties 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. lol you are right – the not eating things is horrible! My favourite snack food is chips and I gave it up for lent. It was so strange because after about 2 weeks of not having them, I started to crave foods that I normally hate (celery being at the top of the list). Being an introvert I can’t help with lol since I am one too 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It is pretty crazy how your mind frame changes! I need to be Catholic during lent so I can give something up and actually stick to it! I’m a Christian, so…why not? Yeah, I go to parties for the food, not the people 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I feel this pain. I’m working on getting back down to a weight where I can exercise daily and not hurt, which for me means killing my two favourite food things – Dr. Pepper and PB&J sandwiches. Been off soda for a few months now, which sucks every day. Sandwiches are just out a week ago.

    I manage mostly by peer pressure. If I tell family and friends that I need to stay off certain foods, I feel guilty about eating them, so that helps. Nothing else has ever bolstered my will power like guilt. The other (new) factor is having a relative who almost had a heart attack from congested blood vessels. Fear of a potential death also seems to keep me on track.

    Sadly, there really is no miracle solution, is there? Less calories in, more calories out. And the forewarned knowledge that it is going to be a bit of a struggle forever – better to know than to not.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh man! Ditching soda is a killer! I don’t drink it everyday, but when I go out to eat, it’s what I crave! I once went a solid, honest-to-God year without soda. It can be done, but it’s not even easy. I LOVE PB!! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE! Have you heard of PB2?! I just ordered it on Amazon. It’s a powered peanut butter that you reconstitute with water. It’s less fat and calories due to the lack of oils. I’m going to try it! Hopefully it’s almost as good as real peanut butter!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I have tried it – it’s decent, but just not the same. Sadly for me, it’s the whole dang combo that hits hard. There’s a lot of calories in 4 slices of bread with who-knows-how-much PB&J on there. I know me – one taste and it’s right back to being a daily snack. My regimen right now is smoothie for breakfast, fruit for lunch, something protein based for supper. Works okay, but I am pretty constantly hungry.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. How did I manage to stick to Keto almost a year ago – when it’s a difficult discipline to get in to?

    Fear, mainly. I had a heart that would pound like a jackhammer in my chest when I attempted to walk more than a block. I had knees that protested each and every riser I stepped on. My left hip would hurt so bad after wandering about a store (groceries, Target, etc…) that I’d have to sit in a zero-gravity chair to get any relief from the pain.

    I knew my weight was seriously degrading my quality of life – and I hadn’t reached 50 yet. Was I going to be a total invalid before retirement? Looked like it…

    So I had to try something I hadn’t tried before. A friend on FB was doing Keto and posting all these really FREAKING yummy looking foods…so I tried it.

    Almost a year later – I’m walking a mile and a half to work. Fear does wonderful things for your willpower.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I totally get it. My mom just had both of her hips replaced and my dad has had one knee replaced. I don’t come from a long line of healthy joints. I’m sure that will be my fate if I don’t get my shit together. Do you eat a lot of fat with keto?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yup. My macros are 120 grams of fat per day, 20 grams of carb, 80 grams of protein. I do try to stay away from the trans fat stuff – which is mostly processed junk, anyway – and stick to the outer aisles at the grocery store for frozen and/or fresh stuff.

        About the only times I venture into the inner aisles of the store are for mayo, mustards, and some of the sugar-free stuff.

        You want my consumption for today – so far?

        Bacon, coffee with Heavy Whipping Cream, a slice of cheddar cheese for breakfast.
        Some pepperoni slices, a bit of sliced turkey, 2 slices of swiss cheese, 8 cherry tomatoes for lunch.

        Water throughout the day – I keep a bottle on my desk at all times.

        I feel no need for snacks between the big meals. This is a huge improvement once you get well acclimated to Keto – your body shuts off it’s appetite.

        Like

      2. So, no fruit?! Nothing sweet. Unfortunately, low carb is always hard for me, because most lunch meats and other processed meats and cheeses are HUGE migraine triggers for me. I have to find them nitrate and nitrite free. Usually, it’s more expensive! I love pepperoni and there ain’t anything better than some salami and cheese, but I’d be setting myself up for a migraine 😢

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Fruits can be had – but limited, mainly to berries. A lot of the tropical citrus especially have way too much natural sugar.
      I found early on that eating a few raspberries or strawberries actually made me hungry – so I avoided ’em and now really don’t miss them. If I do want something sweet, I usually dig out some Lily’s chocolate (made with splenda) or an Atkin’s peanut butter cup. I do have to watch the fake sugars, though, because too much of that stuff produces the most gawds-awful gas you’ve ever smelled.

      (ever read the reviews on Haribo Sugar Free Gummy Bears on Amazon? You’ll laugh till they shit themselves)

      No nitrates, huh? That means no bacon? I mourn your loss!!!

      Keto isn’t easy to start. The body LIKES its easy carbs, and will bribe, threaten, cajole, tempt and almost mutiny outright to keep getting it’s easy energy source. Keto may work for me, but it’s not for everyone. Our bodies are too different within our species, and we each have to find what works for us.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m sure my body would fight like hell to get carbs if I started that diet. I just know that, for me, deprivation-type diets don’t work for me. If I can’t have a full sugar treat once in awhile-with moderation-I’ll end up giving up.

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  8. :sprawled out in front of the refrigerator, buck naked, seductively balancing a burrito on your balls”

    That doesn’t sound…well…safe. Not with teeth nearby.

    I’m with Peg, and I told you this before: keto rocks. Sooooo many things just clear up on their own once you’re keto adapted. That’s when your body has acclimated to burning its own fat for fuel instead of telling you to eat doughnuts. Of COURSE, you’re not hungry anymore, there’s plenty of ass to go around.

    A lot of people, myself included, report that stuff that used to bother them before keto doesn’t bother them now. When your body isn’t stressed out anymore, it handles the occasional processed meat and cheese without so much as a belch. I’ve often had spray cheese on top of pepperoni slices for dinner. We’re talking the ENTIRE can of spray cheese and the ENTIRE packet of pepperoni. Forty pounds down, baby.

    Bonus side effect: no fucking weigh-ins in front of smug women.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. You complete me. This is essentially how I feel on the day I attempt to diet then say fuck it, I’m going off. Yesterday I had a delicious dinner of chicken poppers and tater tots. I will tell you that those new Eating Well frozen meals are REALLY good. I almost bought and ate 2 till I realized it would be $8 and 780 calories.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I started a diet in September and it was really hard at first but I’ve gotten used to it for the most part. I still have cravings sometimes and when I’m insanely hungry I’ve found that eating anything, even something healthy, makes it go away. I may be craving a vat of buttercream but once I eat my healthy snack and the hunger is gone, I no longer have the urge to go to Walmart and punch babies.

    Having something to look forward to also helps me a lot. I know you’re not supposed to associate food with special occasions, but who doesn’t do that?! And it works for me. If I’m going to cheat, I’m going to make sure it’s worth it. So I hold out for the birthday parties, girls nights, whatever. When I’m eating vegetables for the 228,372nd time, I remind myself that I’m doing it so that I can throw surprise party and not worry about every little thing I eat and drink that night. So maybe these luncheons can be your monthly cheat, or whatever occasion would make it worth it to you and give you something to look forward to.

    And I’m only bragging a little when I say that I’ve lost 41 lbs. I say this as someone who used to have dessert after every large meal: if I can do it, you can do it!

    P.S. I cannot stand this “lifestyle change” garbage. If I’m not eating what I want, when I want, in the amount that I want, it’s a DIET.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Great suggestion!! And, yes, if I don’t get to cheat once in a while, it’s a restrictive diet and it’s NEVER going to work long term and thus will never be a lifestyle change! A vat of buttercream frosting!!!!! That sounds SO AMAZING RIGHT NOW 😍😋😋😋😋

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  11. Grrrrrrllllll, it’s pasta palooza almost every damn night in my house, and I’m supposed to be low-carb. By husband is an asshole who only knows how to make pasta and garlic bread. So every night I have to resist getting all stabby and instead eat a piece of low fat string cheese. I guess, technically, it’s cheese, but it’s not CHEESE. Anyway, I feel for you, as I sit here desperately trying not to eat breakfast and extend the amount of time I fast each day. Meanwhile, my husband is cooking the only other thing he knows how to make: bacon. If I sucker punch him, will you bail me out of jail?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 😂😂😂😂 HILARIOUS!! OMG! My boyfriend is an asshole who brings home Haribo candy and mini chocolate pies all the damn time! He can eat whatever the hell he wants and that makes ME stabby! Fucking men have NO CLUE how hard it is to be us!

      Like

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