Flashback Friday: Whip My Ass Ass

Just today, I thought I’d finally join in on my student’s Just Dance brain break video. They always ask if I’ll dance with them, but I just say, “Oh, I don’t want to scare you.” That seems to make them stop asking, so I can continue to sit like a fat lump, wondering where my childhood energy and zest for sudden movements went to. I don’t know what came over me today, but I wanted to Kung Foo Fight like funky Billy Chin for some reason. 

Well…

It was a terrible idea. When I started “swinging with the hand”, I knocked over a stand, my coffee, and stumbled into the map on the wall, which made it roll up with a deafening, thunderous roar. 

All of my students stopped dead in their ninja tracks. 

Their eyes said it all: My teacher is so not cool.

This is why trying to find my non-existent moves is best when behind closed doors. 

I’m just so glad I didn’t let anyone talk me into joining the teacher talent show group. 

*shudders*

Behold, my last attempt at Just Dance:

So, my boyfriend has been going to personal training kickboxing three times a week (he’ll probably look like a white, mustachioed Oscar de la Hoya in a month-f*%#ing men), and while he’s gone, I hork out on junk and watch Netflix. 

It occurred to me that it’s not really in my best interest to get even fatter while my boyfriend beefs up. It’s one thing if you’re polishing off a package of Oreos, together, in stained, oversized t-shirts, in front of American Horror Story, and a whole other nasty animal to glutton alone, while the other is being punched in the stomach by an MMA fighter. It’s kinda not fair. 

So, I thought- what better time to drag out my dusty yoga mat and bust out a couple sloth-like moves. 

Side note- anyone remember the reason I started this blog-the yoga journey I kicked off like a bat out of hell? Or, more like a fat girl with no real idea that it would require an immense amount of effort I wasn’t ready to give? Yeah…that’s not embarrassing or anything. 

So, my yoga mat wasn’t just dusty from little use, it literally was crusty-hard from old sweat from my last yoga session, 45 years ago. It actually almost cracked in two. 

Well, I promptly threw it back into the closet and about gave up, until I remembered that I’ve always meant to be a breakout dance star, a la Flashdance (or more realistically, MTV’s Made). So, what better idea than to Whip/Nae Nae my way to fitness?

I don’t really have anything to say about my solo dance party, other than if you’re going to sweat it out to Just Dance, and you have as much rhythm as a flag pole, close your blinds, your curtains, and turn your lights off. Ain’t no one ready to see what you think is “dancing”. 

My Whip Nae/Nae looked more like “Quick/Call 911/I Have Whip Lash. 

FYI: flexibility is a prerequisite to whipping your whatever. 

I fear I’ll never be able to turn my head, freely, to the right again. 

This is why eating the rest of my Mom’s cream cheese pumpkin bars was a better idea. 

It’s like I never learn. 


source

Author: fattymccupcakes

Just a thirty-something girl trying to love herself the way she is: fat, rolls, cellulite, and fabulousness.

47 thoughts on “Flashback Friday: Whip My Ass Ass”

  1. LOL, love it! I’m right there with you, girl. I tried doing one of those Beach Body work-outs one time. Not even half way through I had to stop…because they wanted me to jump. Yes, jumping is now considered too much for my round little body to bare. Sigh…wish I had some pie.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Right? My boyfriend is a human garbage disposal, and he’s always complaining about being “too skinny”. Meanwhile, I process carrot sticks like carrot cake and celery like I ate a vat of hot wings,washed down by a gallon of blue cheese dressing!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. When we were first married, the hubs told me that it was tough sometimes for him because he required so much food that he wasted a lot of time eating.

      Just let that sink in a minute.

      He was disappointed that he needed SO MUCH FOOD that the TIME IT TOOK TO EAT IT ALL WAS A PROBLEM.

      blink

      blink

      Liked by 3 people

      1. It really isn’t fair. We have to put up with gaining weight in all the wrong places, periods, child birth, vaginas in general, hormones, housework, and taking care of literally everything. What exactly do men do that serves us a purpose?

        Liked by 1 person

  2. lol. You are hilarious. Just so you know, when I get my size twelve Zumba shoes on, my husband pulls all the furniture to the outside of the room. AND he keeps warning me about the ceiling fans, tells me they are expensive to replace. Dude! I’ve only broke ONE of them.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. ‘As much rhythm as a flag pole’… Yep, sounds like me. Also, I’m crying of laughter at my desk, again, because of you. I am thankfully alone in the office today… πŸ˜›

    Liked by 1 person

    1. BUAHAHAHAHAHA! I wouldn’t exactly call what I did “dancing” πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. Also, I’m now so tired today after my 2 minute foray into fitness that I almost didn’t hear my alarm, threw my phone on accident across the room, and tripped over my flip flops on the floor and subsequently crashed into the closet doors, all on my way to the bathroom. I woke up my boyfriend with my shenanigans and he was not thrilled πŸ˜‚πŸ˜œ

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Awww… I feel your pain so much. At work last night, when struggling to get my pants undone in the restroom… Almost fell face first into the metal toilet seat paper protector dispenser thing. It already has a dent in it like someone before me hit it lmao.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. “white mustachioed”

    Why does such a young guy already have a white mustache? Grammar, you whore.

    “it’s not really in my best interest to get even fatter while my boyfriend beefs up”

    Um…now might be the time to tell you about the double black belt Tae Kwon Do instructor boyfriend who campaigned constantly in 2006 for me to add another 60 pounds to my already Adele frame. I dumped him, THEN packed on Mini Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup weight (the minis had a better chocolate-to-peanut butter ratio) just to spite the gorgeous Middle Eastern bastard. For my country, ya’all.

    Now I drink BECAUSE of my country. (sigh)

    Liked by 1 person

      1. “gray/white hair is a sign your girlfriend annoys the ever loving crap out of you”

        I didn’t say the personal stories were SWEET. On the other hand, you’ve done his laundry and seen him naked, he would be wise to consider the ammo involved.

        Liked by 1 person

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