WTF Wednesdays #17: I Wish Upon a…NOPE

Have you ever heard of Wish? If not, I can sum it up pretty plainly: It’s an online shopping mall of horrors. 


Basically, you can get anything from Bluetooth headsets to refrigerator cover organizers (you didn’t think you needed one, did you?) for insanely low prices. 


Now that I think of it, I have been meaning to get a pair of Geordi la Forge sunglasses. 

The only catch is that 99% of what you buy ships from China, so it may or may not ever make it to you.

The positive to this is that, five months from now, when you’ve completely forgotten you’d ordered a $2 waffle/pancake/egg/cake baking mold, it’s like a mini surprise Christmas when it arrives. 

That is, if what you ordered isn’t utter crap. 

To be fair, out of the five or so things I’ve ordered off Wish, I recall only one thing totally sucking. 

So, to that, do not order clothes from Wish unless you weigh precisely 80 pounds, soaking wet. 

I was feeling like playing it dangerously, so I ordered this hideous gauzy, lime green monstrosity. It was similar to this:


When I finally got it, three years later, the gauzy neon look was totally out. Not to mention, the XL size wouldn’t even fit over my fat head. Had it fit, it would have made a fabulous choker necklace, as it was My Size Barbie size. 

So, I wasted $7 and three years of my life waiting for something I forgot I ordered. Not a big deal in the whole scheme of things. 

Wish is harmless, if you go into it knowing you can’t be in dire need of any item you deem worthy of buying, and you understand that the quality is just a notch above the Dollar Store. 

Lately, I’ve been bombarded, accosted by Wish ads on Facebook. I swear, every other post is a random Wish ad.

Why this is of any interest to myself (and, hopefully, you) is the nature of what Wish is advertising. 

It’s weird af.

And, unlike most ads on Facebook that are creepily accurate and timely (I’m not even ashamed to admit that I was googling “hemorrhoid cream”-it’s great for undereye puffiness-and not five minutes later an ad for Preparation H showed up in my Facebook ads), these “suggestions” are downright nope-eff-you-Wish. 

The following are not things I’ve previously Googled. 

I swear.


WTF?! Why? Please tell me this is a mouth trainer for when you want to make a face that expresses surprise, but your facial muscles are too weak, so this helps make them strong, and literally nothing else. 


What.in.the.holy.hell is this? I have so many questions. 

Is this a fake pregnancy belly? (I’m only guessing that, because the description says, “LIZ 5-7 Months…”)

Why does one need an artificial pregnancy belly? Is this for a messed up April Fool’s joke? A scam? A weird fetish? Also, why is this not $2 like everything else? 

$221 for a fake blob of flesh is not a steal! I say! 


OK. This thing is actually kind of cute…

EXCEPT IT’S A MINIATURE PENIS WITH EYES AND AN ASS CRACK.

Is this a pencil topper or something?


Source
Now, this next one is definitely PG-13, maybe R-rated. If you’re an innocent, dainty flower, maybe you’ve read enough. Just sayin’. 

So, when I first saw this one, I legit thought it was just a regular old hammock. These were my thoughts:

What have you got now, Wish?

What is that? 

Is that a hammock? 

Two people in a hammock? That’s just asking for trou…

Wait. 

What the hell are they doing?!

OMG. 

My virgin eyes! 

I think they’re…doing it in a hammock! 

I had to get confirmation. 

Me: “Babe! Look at this hammock for sale on Wish! They are being quite unsafe! Imagine me, just me in a hammock. I’d just be innocently trying to get into the damn thing to read or nap, and I’d probably get wrapped up, spin like an out-of-control gyro meat machine, and end up flat on my face. Who is crazy enough to attempt sex in a fucking hammock?”

Him: “Yup. That looks exactly like what they’re doing. We’d probably break the damn thing, and, with my luck, I’d get a potted plant up my ass.” 

Behold, you can buy a sex swing hammock for $31 on Wish! 


(Not sure I’d trust it. But, that’s just me.) 

Literally me upon seeing Wish’s interesting new wares.
 


This one…

OMG. 

Sorry, I was gagging on my diet root beer. 

Every time I see this, I can’t even.

I’ve paid close to $50 for Spanx that are intended to do literally the opposite of what these $5 tights that wouldn’t fit an American infant are trying to do. 

Why, why are we trying to make oddly placed bubbles of thigh fat fashionable? Is this a thing? Please tell me it’s not. 
Wish, what the ever-loving fuck? 


Author: fattymccupcakes

Just a thirty-something girl trying to love herself the way she is: fat, rolls, cellulite, and fabulousness.

70 thoughts on “WTF Wednesdays #17: I Wish Upon a…NOPE”

  1. I’m sitting on the porch and laughing so hard I think my neighbors are going to call the cops on me again! From now on, when I’m in the mood, I’m going to tell the husband, “Get your dingding squishy over here!”

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Well, you’ve definitely inspired me to check out Wish and see what I can order on there. Not that I need a sex swing or a fake pregnancy belly, but still. The little squishy penis guy is cute. Too cute. I’m still trying to figure out what the purpose of those spanx/tights are though. WTF?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What the fucking with the hammock? You have to be in the circus to accomplish position one and four in a shitty piece of fabric hanging from the ceiling. And the leggings? They can have my thigh fat if they want it so bad. No hope for this world lol

    Liked by 1 person

  4. These are amazing!! I am so sad that my facebook doesn’t follow me with these sort of links!
    At least now we all know what you’ve been googling πŸ˜‰

    Also, if there is a cute little penis doll…do they sell a matching girly version!? That would really break my eyes!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I need to know why the stick-on belly was named Liz. Like I need someone to explain the thought process behind naming it AND choosing Liz. Also who told the folks at Wish that it’s Liz at 5-7 months because my uterus is empty (at least it should be) and it’s about as big as that lump of flesh. So many questions.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Girl I saw the thigh leggings on my Facebook newsfeed the other day too! I was like the fuuuuck hahahahaha. Like I need more thigh fat in my life.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. “$221 for a fake blob of flesh is not a steal!”

    Well, fuck, tell ’em they can have TWICE as much as that from my equator for FREE.

    “EXCEPT IT’S A MINIATURE PENIS WITH EYES AND AN ASS CRACK.”

    I thought for sure you weren’t gonna talk about Trump in this post.

    “Behold, you can buy a sex swing hammock for $31 on Wish!”

    That’s not a legit sex swing. Real sex swings have straps and harnesses and adjustable…um…so, how about this weather, hunh?

    “oddly placed bubbles of thigh fat fashionable?”

    You know, in times of economic stress, men tend to favor women with a little extra sumpin sumpin because their survival instincts are triggered to prepare for famine. Add thigh bubble fashion to that and I’ll be beating them off with a stick this summer! (looks for stick to beat them off with)(that didn’t sound right)(thinking about sex swing again now)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. HAHA! I actually googled “sex swing” and, yeah, this ain’t no sex swing. This hammock is a shoddy “sex swing” that will get ripped out of the wall or will rip before anyone’s first go. Right?! Where can I sell my REAL blob of fat?!

      Like

  8. WTF Wednesday approved post ! 🀣🀣🀣 seriously gurl… what have you been searching for????!!!! Those ads are meant to be tailored to your searches πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I just barfed in my mouth, multiple times. There are SO. MANY. QUESTIONS. (that I don’t think I want the answer to…)
    In a normal sense, I can’t do the ordering from China thing- no matter how cheap, waiting for months on end would drive me nuts!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. How has no one commented on the sex attire of the hammock couple?! Why are they dressed like that?!! I’m confused on so many levels. That being said, if I lived in NY or anywhere else that required the use of public transportation, I would totally buy that fake pregnancy belly so that people would give me their seats.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ My editor/friend commented on their fabulous attire when I shared my post with her. So weird πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. Yes!! Except, I already look 5 months pregnant πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­πŸ˜­πŸ˜­πŸ˜­

      Like

  11. Hilarious!!! And about a week too damn late!!! They got me last Saturday with their damn ads and I ended up buying like $30 worth of crap not realizing it was going to take a month to get here!?? (Or more apparently! Lol) thanks for the laugh girl, and yah stay the hell away from the hammock – ain’t nobody got time for that!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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