The Leggings Spread

You might have noticed that I was MIA on Wednesday (my usual new-post-day). I’ve been so busy that I’ve hardly had time to write. This makes me entirely too sad, so I’m planning on getting my writing shit together in a massive way. 

For this week’s #flashbackfriday, I thought I’d share my post about the Leggings Spread. I’m sharing this particular post, because I need to be reminded of my own advice.

#stillcantfitintomyjeans

It’s no secret that I believe leggings are life. They are insanely comfortable, they don’t cut painfully into your fat, and they don’t feel the need to remind you every time you yank them on that you’ve been laying the butter on pretty heavy lately. 

I seriously have a definite love affair with my collection of leggings. It’s almost sick, guys. 

I treat them better than my poor boyfriend. 

I never dry them. I bought a deliciously scented fabric softener to make them smell irresistible (is it weird I feel the need to have my pants smelling irresistible?). I also bought special hangers, because you don’t put these babies in a drawer. 

Because I’ve been so comfortable and happy, I’ve hardly noticed it. 

Noticed what, you ask? 

The Spread.

Due to the forgiving nature of leggings, it’s easy to not realize when your girth starts to spread in all directions. 

I’ve been ignorantly blissful about my weight these past few months. 

That is, until I decided to wear jeans to school. Whatever possessed me to think this was a good idea is beyond me. 

Because all of my jeans have a ridiculous amount of stretch, I didn’t really notice it until I sat down in my chair at school. 

Thank you, Baby Jesus and all that is holy, that this occurred before my class was present. 

When I sat down, due to the sheer force of my stomach, my pants jumped ship as said stomach spilled over the top, like overflowing bread dough in the oven. 

It happened in slo-mo and I just sat, stunned, watching my overflowing fat. 

The rest of the day I spent sucking as much in as possible as to not knock an unsuspecting kid in the face with my fat. 

Fuck. I’m disgusting. 

I’ve figured out what the real purpose of jeans are-they are your First Alert Weight Gain System. If you can still breathe in your buttoned jeans, you’re golden. If you need an inhaler after buttoning, you fat, friend. 

Real pants are assholes, but they are like those true friends who don’t feed you any bullshit. They both won’t hesitate to tell you you’re looking like a polar bear in a puffy jacket. 

Maybe real pants aren’t as useless as I’ve been believing. As soon as I can fit into my jeans again, I’ll maybe put them back into the wardrobe rotation. But, just so we’re clear, I’m still wearing leggings the majority of the week. I’m not about jean-everyday- life anymore. 

Bend your knees for the added power and energy you’re gonna need to cram yourself into your neglected jeans.
When the button doesn’t take the first try…
Jump. Because jumping into your jeans is the obvious answer. Sorry, neighbor. No, I’m fine. No, a large piece of furniture didn’t fall over. Just fuck off, OK?
Is it just me, or does this look like my butt is on backwards?! Something doesn’t add up here.
Screw it. I’ll just wear my leggings.

An extra special “thank you” to my boyfriend, who just said, “You want me to do what?” and “OK, let’s do this” when I told him I wanted to recreate squeezing into my jeans. 

Ladies, learn from me. Even if you don’t plan on actually wearing those asshole jeans, try them on at least once a month to monitor how far your Leggings Spread has grown. 

You’ll thank me later. 

Author: fattymccupcakes

Just a thirty-something girl trying to love herself the way she is: fat, rolls, cellulite, and fabulousness.

98 thoughts on “The Leggings Spread”

  1. I can no longer read these while an insomniac. My laughing out loud at 1 a.m. Is going to wake husband and dogs! “Thank you, baby Jesus and all that’s holy.” So funnyπŸ˜‚

    Liked by 2 people

  2. O…m…g…. I just almost died laughing!!! I too am a total leggings girl. The best pants to wear especially in nursery (kindergarten) with all the getting on the floor! But it took me realising too late that the comfort was misleading… as I too had put on lots of weight!
    Now I’ve lost nearly 14 kilos and still wear them but check my jeans out regularly like you lol!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Love love love my LulaRoe leggings….but had to do laundry the other day and since I don’t dry mine either they weren’t quite dry in time for work the next day. So I too tested out those hideous mean jeans!!!! although I did get into them I almost exploded getting out of them! Couldn’t wait to put on some leggings when I got home.. Love you lots Fatty McCupcakes!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Okay you missed a crucial step in getting the jeans zipped. (This is how we did it in the 80s….)

    Once you did the jump…grab a clothes hanger. The cheap wire kind is best for this.

    Now, LAY DOWN on the bed. On your back. You might be able to do up the button now if you suck in – YAY GRAVITY. As for that pesky zipper….see how the zipper pull has a hole in it? Thread the “hook” of the hanger through that hole. Grip the triangular “hanger” part with both hands and pull that bad boy UP like you’re doing curls at the gym.

    Voila.

    Pants be zipped. You can’t actually stand UP…but they’re ON. And ON means they FIT!

    Liked by 3 people

  5. The few times I wasn’t parenting my mother, my mom did give me one piece of great advice. She always said never wear pants with an elastic waistband because you’ll never know when you’re getting fat. She learned this the hard way as a nurse, always wearing scrubs. My skinny jeans are a daysize 8 but because I let the fat fall over, II should probably be wearing a 10. Great topic!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Oh saaaaaame…. I have all the Lularoe leggings and special tiered hangers to hang them on. Also hadn’t worn jeans in yeaaars because of ever increasing fat until last fall when I found an awesome pair that fit great before I moved (And somehow lost in the move!!) But out jc Penney is closing it’s doors in a couple of days so I bucked up and went jeans shopping and found some good fits for cheap, even got corduroys for 95% off… I’m gonna need “real” pants come winter again lol. At least the fit me well and are comfy for now! I’ll try to wear them on the regular so I don’t get a false sense of slimness with my leggings again!!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I usually hate it but I got 2 pairs of $70 jeans for $15ish and another pair for $5ish… and later 5 or 6 pairs of $50 corduroys for $4 a piece… the thought of the MAJOR savings for quality items that would hopefully fit was worth the effort I usually wouldn’t take (I hate trying deep on… fitting rooms so hot and stuffy and I get all sweaty from the efforts uuuggghhh)

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Not sure… our mall is a sad little mall that is mostly empty… they are soon going to be opening new stores and are starting to revitalize it… but I expect the Penneys has been underperforming and not being a viable store anymore

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’ve heard Penneys and Sears are closing a lot of stores nationwide… bankruptcies etc. I think all Sears except hometownstores are supposed to close i heard… but i dunno details about specific areas

        Like

  7. I don’t know what you call leggings there, I hope we both are talking about the same. leggings here are those tight pants with an elastic belt that can be easily pulled up or down , not real zip of any sort. We even wear it with Indian kurta- which is sort of long knee length top.
    I Love leggings especially when I sit down to pee. The other alternative to legging that we get here to wear with Kurta is salwar, that has a bad design for crucial times when we do not have enough time to loosen the drawstring of salwar.

    With leggings, it is so easy to pee – get in , pull down , sit down and pull up! Long live leggings!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. The way I shop for jeans nowadays is to determine if they fit my thighs… Strange, I know. Usually, if they fit my thighs, they don’t fit my waist, but I just add a belt and I’m good to go. πŸ™‚ But I agree, leggings are LIFE!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Don’t know if I should admit this but I’ve never worn leggings. Elastic waistbands…yes, button jeans with some spandex for stretch…yes. I always thought I was too fat for leggings. I’ll let you know if I work up the nerve to try a pair.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I giggled massively over this the first time I read it – no fewer giggles in read 2.

    I recently inherited a pair of leggings from my DIL, who is also shrinking…although I’m not sure if I should be honored or a bit peeved that I’m getting her **FAT** clothes.

    Haven’t worn the things out of the house yet.

    I actually prefer harem pants for sloughing around in, because there’s elastic in both the waistband AND the ankles – and TONS of fabric in between to hide the remaining bulges.

    AND pockets. I can’t live without my pockets.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Wait, why do leggings not go in drawers? I am pretty sure all my leggings are squished into a drawer…I must be showing them the wrong kind of love!

    I went shopping for the first time in Canada the other day. I am LOVING the sizing in North America! Everything seems to be a couple of sizes bigger, so I went down a few dress sizes. It’s like the opposite of Japan where I became an L or XL overnight. 😦

    I hated buying jeans in Japan. It was so depressing to be a heffalump compared to the local ladies.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha! They have a place in a drawer, now that I’ve been a little disillusioned with LuLaRoe. Basically, the type of fabric LuLaRoe leggings are made with can snag on scratchy dresser drawers. They are also $25 a pair, so I treated them like my babies!

      Ooh! I think I remember feeling really sad when I tried to clothes shop in the U.K.! I know what you mean!

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I can so relate to this!
    I am back on the healthy eating bandwagon due to a pair of jeans, some horrible cotton student nurse uniform trousers and a fifties style dress!
    Yes, the jeans warned me first, where once they felt a little roomy, they were now pretty snug. The grotty trousers chimed in next with refusing to button up unless i sucked myself in, then of course, I also had the ‘spreading dough’ moment you mentioned. The final insult was the pink and black, button down straps on my full-skirted fifties dress that I wore to a BBQ a couple of weeks ago. It had enough of straining to keep me contained inside it, so it pinged off a button on the shoulder strap. Luckily, despite launching at a lightening speed, it did not land in anyone’s eye!
    A safety pin spared my embarrassment and I got the message!!
    It i definitely, back to the comfy leggings for me until I can lose a bit of excess baggage! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I own compression legging which serve the dual role of being insanely comfy but also alerting me to any unexpected weight gain. I highly suggest Nike’s compression legging, your ass will look PERFECT.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. After 12 years, I still love my Lululemon left! At $110 CAD a pair, They get more love than a lot of people in my life haha. They do let me know if I’ve gained weight, though- which I appreciate 😢 We aren’t supposed to wear leggings at work though, so I’m limited to evenings and weekends!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Leggings are a girls best frenemy. End of story. They’re awesome when you need something to pair with a long top or a dress that is just a tad too short to wear without leggings. They’re horrible when you wear them every single day and then you forget what wearing jeans is like.

    And the struggle to get jeans on is real! Thanks to my butt it’s a constant struggle and then my hip bones think it’s funny to stick out and cause problems with getting my jeans to button and close so I feel your pain!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I’ve figured out what the real purpose of jeans are-they are your First Alert Weight Gain System.

    That right there is why I haven’t jumped on the leggings-as-real-clothes bandwagon. Don’t get me wrong: I’ve got a couple pair for wear at home (mostly it’s yoga pants for me, but they’re kissin’ cousins) but they’re not worn every day because I know me and I’d end up with zero “real” clothes that fit in short order. And since I’m bad at any diet or exercise plan that doesn’t hold me accountable in the pocketbook, weight is expensive to take off.

    Liked by 1 person

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