The Christmas Eye Twitch

My eye has been twitching for the last week. I haven’t been thinking much about the reasoning behind why my eyelid suddenly breaks out in the Macarena, because all I need to know is IT’S ANNOYING AF.

Earlier today, I was trying to get to Target to buy a few necessities that couldn’t wait until after Christmas.

As I was trying to merge onto the freeway, some hot fart in a huge truck made it nearly impossible for me to get over before the next exit. He was just rolling in the far right lane, WHERE PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO MERGE, at a pace that made it impossible to get in front or behind.

As I was yelling obscenities over my blaring Christmas music and shaking my fists in extreme disapproval, my eyelid started in on “Hey, Macarena!”

Later, as I tried to park at Target, but had to wait while a sloth-like, IDGAF woman unloaded her entire cart IN THE PARKING SPOT I WAS TRYING TO PARK IN, my eyelid again felt like it was Latin dance time.

Then, as I was snaking my way through every man in Reno doing last minute shopping, and all that could be heard was a child’s shrill screaming, my eyelid really started to break it down.

So, I must deduce that my eyelid is twitching BECAUSE IT’S CHRISTMAS!

Please, don’t get me wrong-I love Christmas. Like, so much so, it-has-to-be-perfect-so-don’t-even-try-to-say-you’re-not-making-your-famous-breakfast-casserole-this-year-mom-because-I’ll-die.

So, these are some of the reasons why my eye is twitching and most likely won’t stop until after Christmas, when I can finally relax in my euphoric food drunk stupor.

Worrying:

What if I run out of Tums/tampons/lipgloss/water on Christmas Eve, but I can’t go to the store, because it’s CHRISTMAS EVE?

Who’s going to get sick (and when) over the holidays? Please just let us get through Christmas without fevers, snot, or vomit.

What if I can’t find the 10 pound Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup? What else will I get my dad?

Did I take enough ornament-on-my-tree and holding-a-Peppermint-Mocha-with-mittens photos so everyone knows I’m the most Christmas af?

Will I find my Amazon packages before the thieves who are obviously casing our tiny hole in the wall Midtown apartment?

Did I remember to buy expertly thought-out gifts for everyone that I will then elaborately wrap using $53 worth of ribbon, cellophane, glitter tissue paper, quality wrapping paper, and a real bird in a gold cage?

What if I forget to wash my new plaid thermal pajama pants and I don’t have them to wear Christmas morning with my Ugg boots? I’ll just fucking die.

Did that reindeer beanie I tried on at Old Navy have lice? Why didn’t I think of that before I thought to try it on? Wait. What if all store-bought hats have lice in them? I’ll become Amish and make my own everything.

What if I forget to buy wine? Is that even a thing?

Wondering:

Will drinking my third glass of egg nog give me diarrhea or do I risk it?

Will a gross of Clorox Wipes, hand sanitizer, and Lysol spray be enough for the holidays this year?

Will leaving your Christmas tree on while you’re at the grocery store cause it to spontaneously combust?

How much can I overdo it with the peanut butter fudge, Muddy Buddies, and Bailey’s before I’m comatose?

Why does overeating right before bed make me have dreams involving a centaur Jeff Goldblum eating a chili cheese hot dog? (Because you’re a sick freak.)

How many years will I have to workout to reverse the damage done this Christmas season alone?

Is there a special hell for adults who don’t cover their mouths when they hack up their lungs in public? Please say there is.

Why do I always go way over my Christmas budget? *puts two Bath & Body Works hand soaps in the bag for every one that’s meant to be a “gift”*

Maybe this ought to be titled, “Anxiety-Riddled and Barely Sane”?

So, tell me, what makes your eye twitch at Christmas?

This is my I’m-surprised-it’s-almost-Christmas-and-in-such-an-Instagram-worthy-way. Really, I just look like a giant puckered butthole. Also, I used filters on filters on filters on this bad boy.

Author: fattymccupcakes

Just a thirty-something girl trying to love herself the way she is: fat, rolls, cellulite, and fabulousness.

71 thoughts on “The Christmas Eye Twitch”

  1. I also have the Christmas eye-twitch going on. I’m unemployed, broke AF, and Christmas has never been my favorite time of year, anyway. Trying to go anywhere is a nightmare. Parking lots… DEAR GOD PARKING LOTS. I went to Wal-Mart yesterday and just… no. Just no.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Oddly, I don’t mind the actual shopping (waiting in the checkout line for forty minutes sucks, but I can deal with it). It’s literally just the parking lots. I don’t know what infant with a Lego set designed the shopping center in my city, but it’s like they plopped a bunch of buildings haphazardly around the trolley tracks and then went, “…FUCK. We need parking lots!” and then just painted random lines on what areas remained. It’s a nightmare to navigate on the best days. At Christmas? Impossible.

        Thanks! I hope 2018 goes smoothly for you, too! I feel like, after the last couple years, we could ALL use some better luck, lol!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Ahh yes the old eye twitch… mine does it whenever my bullshit filter gets clogged up.

    Apparently it is also a sight of Vit D deficiency (so no surprise it happens around the winter solstice) but who knows, that may be a load of woo woo nonsense.

    I LOVE your blog xxx happy Christmas x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I really have done that with caps/beanies . . . try it on and THEN go “Oh fuck! How long before I know if I got lice?!!”. . . and as far as egg nog goes, I prefer mine with some bourbon. And to ensure that I don’t shit myself when I pass out, I don’t put any egg nog in my bourbon.

    Shit . . you have the Jeff Goldblum dream too??

    Merry Christmas to you and yours

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Right?! I really need to know how long it takes to know πŸ’€πŸ˜¬πŸ˜΅!

      BUAHAHAHAHAHA! You just don’t put any egg nog in your egg nog bourbon πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

      Jeff Goldblum dreams are the best, however strange πŸ˜†πŸ˜œπŸ˜πŸ˜‹

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I get all itchy just thinking about it, lol.

        It’s true about the egg nog. If I have it, I have it straight up. No need to indulge in both simultaneously. I didn’t partake of egg nog this season. In lieu of egg nog, I chose peanut butter oreos and those reeses christmas trees, which should be illegal, lol.

        Jeff Goldblum is interesting as it is, put him in a dream and it’s bonus round stuff!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s what I’m wondering myself! They must be injecting something into those trees and pumpkins. Not that there’s anything wrong with that . . .

        Centaur Jeff Goldblum would be a great character! Hmmmm.

        Merry Christmas Ms Cupcake!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Eye-twitching moments for me include driving on snow-covered roads, and “it’s 7:30 on Christmas morning why am I the ONLY person awake?! I said breakfast is at 8 so why are ya’ll still sleeping?!” and also “It’s after breakfast on Christmas morning, WHY are you JUST NOW starting to wrap presents?!”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. OMG!! I’m always the first person awake too! This year, my brother has requested that we not start the festivities until 11 and I just want to club him over the head πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.

      Winter driving is SO eye twitch-inducing! 😬

      Liked by 1 person

      1. TOTALLY – 8 am is my start lol Christmas day is for napping so you can drag yourself out of bed to eat a delish breakfast made by me and then open presents lol Tell your brother Santa says he can’t sleep in that late or he forfeits his gifts.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m laughing out loud. Honestly, I think you have covered it all and then some. All THIS, more or less, is running through women’s brains this time of year. What are men thinking?πŸ€”
    And my eye has done that…when I’m fatigued! Sounds legit. Merry Christmas, Katie and all!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I do get an eye twitch now and then, but haven’t so far during this festive season. Probably because I am shutting myself the eff away ha ha! You know what I think would help with your worrying? A sh*t tone of peanut butter fudge, Muddy Buddies, and Bailey’s. Have a wonderful Christmas….we want a full report!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. My local target still has the ten pound peanut butter cups.
    Yesterday I hit five stores with my kid in tow in 2.5 hours, and that includes the 50 minutes round trip it took just to get to town and back. (Target, TJs, Costco, Michaels, and PCC) The only really irritating point was the people flying by my car at 40 while I tried to back out of a parking spot, repeatedly. Hey assholes, if you let me out of the parking lot, you can have a parking spot. Ever think of that?
    I got Christmas in the bag. I just need a wee bit more cold medicine to survive it. LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I actually read somewhere that stress may cause eye-twitches – seems that this could be a cause. πŸ™‚ I’m right with you on all of the worrying around Christmas. And oh the sicknesses. Having two kiddos now – we’ve actually missed three out of the last four Christmas’ due to fever, stomach bugs, or some other virus that we didn’t want to gift to our relatives. This year I tried to keep my kids healthy, and so far so good. I have a little more control over this as I homeschool our kiddos.

    Last, I just have to share that I had the weirdest twitch all last week. I had a twitch on the tip of my big toe. WHAT IS THAT??? So weird. Merry Christmas, Katie!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. One of my cousins just posted on Facebook, “It isn’t Christmas until someone barfs!” πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ At least you’re not alone!

      A twitching toe! Now, that’s different πŸ˜†

      Merry Christmas to you! I hope everyone stays healthy 🀞🏻

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh my God, same same same. I have the added joy of being around lots of over-excited kids doing kid Christmassy shit. Though I guess as a teacher- you have that joy too. But the thing that makes my eye twitch the most (yes I get it too), is people having the gall to go to the supermarket at the same time that I do and getting in my way. FFS when will the world realise that people should let me do my shopping first, in complete peace, then everyone else may venture into the shops. It’s not much to ask, is it?

    Liked by 1 person

  10. You can’t possibly dream about Jeff Goldblum. He’s mine all mine. Well, OK. Since I love your blog I guess you can borrow him once in a while. And I’m a bourbon-in-the-eggnog-just-leave-out-the-eggnog person too.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. “Did I take enough ornament-on-my-tree and holding-a-Peppermint-Mocha-with-mittens photos so everyone knows I’m the most Christmas af?” … NO. I follow your FB, and I must say there is not enough Christmas Cheer photos there. Instagram needs ALL THE CHRISTMAS. Quick! You only have two days left, you may have to do double time on the 25th to make up for lost time!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. My eye twitches thinking I forgot someone or didn’t buy enough. I have horrible visions of attempting to pick out a gift at the gas station and coming home with just jerkey. I think my blood pressure is going to be up for the next 48 hours. It’s go time!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Oh Katie, you are going to have an amazing christmas…but take more basic af photos, because it’s nice to see them!

    I couldn’t carry a big (well, normal sized) christmas tree because I’m weak…so I have such a teeny tree that it was too small for my lights! Pus I didn’t even go out to buy booze yet! But it’s all good. I still think it’ll be a fun day.

    p.s. I’ve never tried real egg nog. :0

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Mwah!! Merry Xmas! I get those twitches too. I think it’s because of an infectious rudeness that is about at the moment. I live in a very friendly town, in a friendly part of the country blah blah but the week before Xmas every one is STRESSED to fudge and acting like tools. I tried to get some food shopping a couple of days ago, freezer food, and I had to leave the shop empty handed because I was quite literally being swept away and trodden on. People were shopping so aggressively, all sensibilities and manners had disappeared. I had to escape with no frozen food.

    So it isn’t just you. Your eye is reacting to the stupid that happens. Your eye needs to rest and have a good fun Christmas, along with the rest of your gorgeous self. Have a super Xmas!! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  15. That’s so funny. I thought it was just me that got anxiety sickness over Christmas. I also get the twitching eyelid and it’s so annoying! Happy Christmas to you FMcC.

    Liked by 1 person

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