My eye has been twitching for the last week. I haven’t been thinking much about the reasoning behind why my eyelid suddenly breaks out in the Macarena, because all I need to know is IT’S ANNOYING AF.
Earlier today, I was trying to get to Target to buy a few necessities that couldn’t wait until after Christmas.
As I was trying to merge onto the freeway, some hot fart in a huge truck made it nearly impossible for me to get over before the next exit. He was just rolling in the far right lane, WHERE PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO MERGE, at a pace that made it impossible to get in front or behind.
As I was yelling obscenities over my blaring Christmas music and shaking my fists in extreme disapproval, my eyelid started in on “Hey, Macarena!”
Later, as I tried to park at Target, but had to wait while a sloth-like, IDGAF woman unloaded her entire cart IN THE PARKING SPOT I WAS TRYING TO PARK IN, my eyelid again felt like it was Latin dance time.
Then, as I was snaking my way through every man in Reno doing last minute shopping, and all that could be heard was a child’s shrill screaming, my eyelid really started to break it down.
So, I must deduce that my eyelid is twitching BECAUSE IT’S CHRISTMAS!
Please, don’t get me wrong-I love Christmas. Like, so much so, it-has-to-be-perfect-so-don’t-even-try-to-say-you’re-not-making-your-famous-breakfast-casserole-this-year-mom-because-I’ll-die.
So, these are some of the reasons why my eye is twitching and most likely won’t stop until after Christmas, when I can finally relax in my euphoric food drunk stupor.
What if I run out of Tums/tampons/lipgloss/water on Christmas Eve, but I can’t go to the store, because it’s CHRISTMAS EVE?
Who’s going to get sick (and when) over the holidays? Please just let us get through Christmas without fevers, snot, or vomit.
What if I can’t find the 10 pound Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup? What else will I get my dad?
Did I take enough ornament-on-my-tree and holding-a-Peppermint-Mocha-with-mittens photos so everyone knows I’m the most Christmas af?
Will I find my Amazon packages before the thieves who are obviously casing our tiny hole in the wall Midtown apartment?
Did I remember to buy expertly thought-out gifts for everyone that I will then elaborately wrap using $53 worth of ribbon, cellophane, glitter tissue paper, quality wrapping paper, and a real bird in a gold cage?
What if I forget to wash my new plaid thermal pajama pants and I don’t have them to wear Christmas morning with my Ugg boots? I’ll just fucking die.
Did that reindeer beanie I tried on at Old Navy have lice? Why didn’t I think of that before I thought to try it on? Wait. What if all store-bought hats have lice in them? I’ll become Amish and make my own everything.
What if I forget to buy wine? Is that even a thing?
Will drinking my third glass of egg nog give me diarrhea or do I risk it?
Will a gross of Clorox Wipes, hand sanitizer, and Lysol spray be enough for the holidays this year?
Will leaving your Christmas tree on while you’re at the grocery store cause it to spontaneously combust?
How much can I overdo it with the peanut butter fudge, Muddy Buddies, and Bailey’s before I’m comatose?
Why does overeating right before bed make me have dreams involving a centaur Jeff Goldblum eating a chili cheese hot dog? (Because you’re a sick freak.)
How many years will I have to workout to reverse the damage done this Christmas season alone?
Is there a special hell for adults who don’t cover their mouths when they hack up their lungs in public? Please say there is.
Why do I always go way over my Christmas budget? *puts two Bath & Body Works hand soaps in the bag for every one that’s meant to be a “gift”*
Maybe this ought to be titled, “Anxiety-Riddled and Barely Sane”?
So, tell me, what makes your eye twitch at Christmas?
This is my I’m-surprised-it’s-almost-Christmas-and-in-such-an-Instagram-worthy-way. Really, I just look like a giant puckered butthole. Also, I used filters on filters on filters on this bad boy.