I Swear I Don’t Try to Be This Way

Ahhhh…massages. In a perfect world, massages are an über relaxing experience for the body and the mind.

But, when you’re an over-thinker, just because the lights are dim, there’s soft music playing, and you’re laying on a comfy, heated table, doesn’t mean your brain immediately takes a vacation. Usually this is when the brain is most active and alert.

The other day, as I was getting my massage, instead of finding my inner chill and namaste and all that other impossible-to-do-when-you’re-neurotic relaxation crap, I was instead obsessing over the fact that I forgot to shave my toes.

How could I have forgotten that those bristly bastards had gotten so out of control they were poking through my socks?

What else did I forget?

Oh.

Shit.

Did I wear my Limburger cheese boots without socks again?

Why are you the way that you are, dude?

They’re just really easy to slip on…

I’m forgetful.

I’m an asshole.

I’m sorry.

As my massage therapist worked closer and closer to my porcupine stubs, I reflected on all of the other things that I obsess/worry/think about before, during, and after a massage:

1. Did I shave everywhere? Like, what if an extra long downstairs hair pops out while she’s doing my thigh? Ugh. I’m basically Robin Williams’ knuckles.

2. For some reason, whenever it’s my monthly massage time, my body thinks it’s fart go-time. I probably am doing irreparable damage with all of the clenching I’m doing.

3. OMG. Can she tell I’m holding in a fart?

4. I always forget to have my boyfriend check for back decor. So, it’s almost 100% certain that at every massage I’ve ever gone to, I have some ugly, one-eyed puss monster that the lucky lady who has to touch me gets to rub over. *shudders*

5. I wonder if she notices how bloated I am this month? Bloated? Self, she knows you’re fat. She literally kneads your fat like bread dough. Never does she think you’re just “bloated”.

6. What does she think about as she’s rubbing my fat ankles and calloused feet? Does she think about having to hold down her lunch or is she mentally making her grocery list?

7. Do other people forget to shave their toes? Do other people even have to shave their toes?

So, now I feel the need to apologize to my massage therapist. I’m sorry that sometimes my body is prickly in random places and that my stomach sometimes sounds like a koala’s mating call. I swear I don’t try to be this way.

Anyone else feel like this during a massage or am I just insane?

Author: fattymccupcakes

Just a thirty-something girl trying to love herself the way she is: fat, rolls, cellulite, and fabulousness.

58 thoughts on “I Swear I Don’t Try to Be This Way”

  1. Oh my God, the sound of a Koala’s mating call is uncannily similar to the sound of stomach too. Especially at about 11am. Also, 2 &3- yes, yes, YES. So much. Also, I find the head through the hole thing really uncomfortable, so I spend a lot of my time shuffling about trying to get my head positioned just right. Negating the whole idea of relaxing. Or I go the other way and fall asleep and snore. I know I start snoring as the sound of my snore actually wakes me up with a jolt. So all in all, I’m pretty cool when I go for a massage. I’ve got one tomorrow too ha!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. you shave before going to the massage place? seriously. way too much effort. I don’t shave all winter, which last like 8 months here, maybe 10. LOL
    But I will admit to plucking my toe hairs before I get a pedi. LOL. Otherwise the chick working on my feet gives me this look and then does it and she is not nice about it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have never had a massage but I feel like this is exactly how I would be whilst having it. And I shave my toes too! LOL Gah women have to go through SO FREAKING MUCH in the hair care department. Lame to the sauce. I’m still a little bitter over my experience on Friday haha.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Despite the fact that’s I’m neurotic (as we all learned today), my massage is legit what keeps me sane! It’s also what I credit for not getting hit hard with illness this school year year yet! *knocks on wood* You should totally start getting them!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Another vote for plucking, not easy when even your husband calls them hairy hobbit feet, like he can talk!
    Those thoughts though, remind yourself that she choose this. Definitely be clean but give yourself a break on the rest.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I shave my big toes. It was the first thing I started shaving as a little girl. And I always feel the need to fart during a massage or the chiropractor. Ugh. Sometimes a quiet fart slips and I hope and pray any smell doesn’t leak through the sheets. During massages, my nose runs like crazy. I have to hold a tissue in my hand while I get a massage. Every once in a while I’ll pop my head up to wipe my nose. Very annoying.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. At least it’s only 1 person in the room while you are holding in those massage/chiro farts… Try it in the first yoga class. Ugh.. No one warned me. So It just slipped on out and – before you ask, because I know you’re gonna – no, it wasn’t a polite girly little air biscuit… It was a full-blown foghorn. Sheesh.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. My ex studied massage therapy and I can assure you: You are not even CLOSE to the hairiest, fattest, or most zit covered. If you showered this week, you’re not the worst they’ve seen by a mile. At least you’re considerate enough to hold your farts in (which, by the way, needing to fart during massage time is perfectly normal because all your innards are relaxing, which aids digestion and helps disperse all the fun stuff that comes with digestion).

    Also, I too have really hairy toes! They’re blonde and I’m lazy, so I don’t usually shave or pluck them unless they get suuuuper unruly. I had one hair on my left toe grow out to close to an inch. Actually kinda proud of that one, but it got snagged in a sock and pulled out.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. When it comes to yours truly, trying to relax during a massage is akin to trying to sit still in the baking sun when I’m attempting to tan. IMpossible. How do people do it? They HAVE to be faking the relaxation.

    They should come up with gas pants. You put them on before a massage and they cancel out any unwanted sounds and odors.

    I snorted whilst reading this. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Even if you’re a “never-farter” (like my step-dad, who NEVER farted until he started taking Metformin for his diabetes …. now he could easily orbit the Earth) farts just come out during a massage. I got a migraine the first time I ever had a massage — probably gas build-up pushing on my brain.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. So, I live in China, and there are literally TWO massage places on every block. My husband has been, and comes home in so much pain from being beaten up (he has joint issues to begin with) that I’ve never gone. Finally I got a foot massage, and it was AH-mazing. Here, they soak your feet in some kind of tea for about 10-15 minutes while you get a brief shoulder rub. Then they tackle your feet for the next 45 minutes or so. The tea-bath rids my mind of all concern about odor or calluses, at least.

    But yes, I have to shave my toes. I only really do it in summer, though.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s sounds sooooo amazing!! I LOVE foot massages SO MUCH.

      Gah. It sounds like your hubby needs to tell them to go lighter on him! I told my massage therapist from the get-go that I’m a wimp. She seems to know exactly the right pressure every time!

      Like

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