The Avocado Incident

You know how when you have a really stressful, crappy day the only thing that will make it better is massive quantities of carbs and a good angry conversation with yourself in the car on the way home?

Well, when you’re on a “diet” and all you have at lunch that even halfway resembles cake is an avocado (and it’s not even close to car convo time), that shit’ll do.

I brought an avocado for lunch with the intention of cutting it up and adding a few pieces to my Mexican-style salad.

After a morning where positively everything went wrong and after hearing some not-so-happy news, my emotions were conflicted and I was HANGRY.AF.

I almost forgot I even brought that damn avocado and didn’t recall my salad’s one saving grace until I had already choked down my plain lettuce and farty black beans.

I also forgot the butter knife I meant to take so I could cut said avocado.

It was almost animalistic what happened next.

I needed that avocado and not a few measly I-have-self-control-look-at me pieces.

I took the end of my fork and I just mauled that avocado like a savage until the skin was ripped to shreds and I could start inhaling the poop green goodness.

I sat and angry ate an entire fucking avocado.

And, it was a big boy, too.

Even when I bring healthy food options, I end up figuring out a way to royally fuck it up.

I need help.

Have you ever eaten a whole avocado in one sitting? Maybe I’m impressed/shocked/disgusted over something that’s not even a big deal. If not an avocado, have you ever eaten an entire *something* and then immediately felt like a fat bastard?

I need to know.

Author: fattymccupcakes

Just a thirty-something girl trying to love herself the way she is: fat, rolls, cellulite, and fabulousness.

79 thoughts on “The Avocado Incident”

  1. I’ve eaten a whole avocado and loved it until I realised the calories. I felt duped! I’ve also eaten an entire bar of the Reeses “giant” chocolate bar, which isn’t exactly giant but it’s certainly not calorie free. No hame felt there. Then there’s PB & Co’s Mighty Maple peanut butter which is like crack to me, and I devoured 75% of the jar in one sitting. Only because I’d eaten the other 25% the previous day and I gave up try to fight my cravings ๐Ÿ˜‚

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Peanut butter is my ultimate downfall, so I get it!! I made apple dip which consisted of a cup of plain Greek yogurt, 1/2 cup PB and a crap ton of honey. It was like PB frosting. I ate it ALLLLLL in one sitting. With a spoon.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Yes, I have eaten an entire everything…..on many occasions. Not proud about it, but do it on a pretty regular basis I am afraid. Even if I learn the language here in Germany, the one thing that will point out my Americanness is my ability to eat a full bag of chips, and entire bag of candy, or the whole cake if you let me…the list goes on.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Well……first off, I almost peed my pants laughing so hard at your words …. which could easily have been mine……especially the “angry conversation with yourself in the car on the way home”…..lol….I do this ALL. THE. TIME….lol. Secondly, I actually packed an entire avocado for my lunch today, along with a heinous little “pouch” of salmon. And yes, I was planning on eating the whole darn thing. Otherwise the rest would turn brown! Plus, I guess I’m just a pig, …apparently. Thanks once again for the morning “belly laugh”!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I have eaten an entire Avo…quite often actually! At least it wasn’t an entire triple chocolate sponge cake or an entire box of Tunnocks Tea Cakes! You did good in my opinion ๐Ÿ™‚

    I hope the days following were much less shitty!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Yup! Box of crackers, cookies, store bought pastries, chips. I cannot have that stuff in the house. Zero self control right here. Hey at least it was a healthy food, donโ€™t be so hard on yourself my friend. Not sure what your not so good news was but hope things sort themselves out, hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I eat a whole avocado in one sitting ALL THE TIME! There are tons of calories but it’s also got all the good acids or fats or whatever that are actually good for you so go ahead and eat that whole thing! YUM! I don’t know how people can control themselves and only eat a few pieces. But then I get asked all the time how I can “only eat” 2 oreos and walk away from the bag…

    Liked by 1 person

  7. That’s the best mental image, OMG! I’m dying! I’ve never been able to eat an entire avocado in one sitting–at least not plain. I’ve eaten an entire mashed avocado (not guacamole, which has other stuff in it) ON things, like tacos or burgers. But, never just peeled and ate an avocado.

    I did eat an entire box of Girl Scout cookies at work, once. One of my coworker’s niece or cousin or whatever was selling them, so we could order in the office and she’d bring them in the next day. I’m the WORST over Girl Scout cookies. I buy them in sets. I never just get a box of cookies. I need to get at least one box of everything I like because I can’t choose, and always two boxes of Thin Mints because my ex always inhaled those and I DON’T SHARE MY COOKIES. Anyway, so, I’d bought, like, six boxes of cookies, and decided to have a few. I opened it up and set it on my desk and just started mindlessly snacking while I worked.

    Now, most people probably think, “Oh, that’s not THAT big of a deal. So, you ate a box of cookies over a workday. A little much, but not gluttonous.” No. You don’t understand. I was like a robot, just one cookie after another. It only took me about eight minutes to polish off a whole box of Samoas (I know this, because she delivered the cookies when she came in at 9:00am and I tore into them immediately and when I looked at the clock it was 9:08am–yea, this wasn’t even lunch time). There are fifteen cookies in a box of Samoas. That’s one cookie every thirty-two seconds.

    At least what you ate was mildly healthy. I gained two pounds in less than ten minutes.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. At the time, I shared an office with two other girls (one of whom was my direct supervisor) and I can’t believe they weren’t just like, “Jeez! Slow the fuck down!” But, I ate them so fast, they probably didn’t even notice. XD

        The worst part is finding the Keebler duplicates. Like the Grasshoppers? HOLY SHIT I WILL INHALE BAG AFTER BAG OF THOSE BASTARDS! At least Girl Scouts only come around for a couple weeks a year. Then Keebler’s like, “Nah, you should be a fatass EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK.” Fuckers.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ Yeah, they probably didn’t even see you, you were so quick with cramming ’em in!

        I legit can’t even walk down the cookie aisle after a bad day or when I’m PMSing, etc. The temptation and lack of control is too great.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I have eaten all the things all the time, especially avocados. My husband is allergic to them and gets angry when I eat them because I’m flaunting the avocado goodness in front of him, so I scarf it down in one sitting as fast as I can, but only to spare his feelings of course.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Easy peasy with a bit of lime squeezy! I can make avocados disappear so fast youโ€™d think Iโ€™d had inhaled it. Jaffa cakes (do you have Jaffa cakes! Sponge rounds covered with orange jelly and then a chocolate top) they come in boxes of 20 – obviously thatโ€™s my portion – everyone else take a step back

    Liked by 1 person

  10. First, Iโ€™m choking Iโ€™m laughing so hard. Second, Iโ€™ve never just sat down and ate a whole avocado… but Iโ€™ve used a whole avocado on meal before. Kinda the same thing, right?

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Yes. I have eaten ALL THE THINGS in one sitting. If I want to be healthy, I ONLY eat a whole avocado. For me, that’s self-control on a good day. I mean, it’s a fruit, after all. So I’m not judging you in the slightest. Plus, you suffered through a salad, which I’m pretty sure negates any calories in an avocado. That’s how science works, right?

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I’ve eaten an entire bag of Humpty Dumpty dill pickle potato chips. More than once. When I’m done, all my taste buds are gone, because I lick all the seasoning off each chip before I eat it and I don’t regret it at all.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Oh. Me. Lord you’re hilarious!

    I ate an entire chocolate cake once. I went grocery shopping whilst hungry, which is a big no-no to which I do not give a great good fuck to abide. So I get this chocolate cake on a whim. It wasn’t a regular sized cake, it probably fed four. So I got home and had a slice, a gooood slice. And then I thought about leaving the rest for my kids before thinking better of it since I had gone grocery shopping whilst hungry so I had scored pahlenty of junk food they were going to tear into like Vikings. So I rewarded myself by eating the rest of the cake.

    No justifications or denials. No guilt or shame. It was a big simple “Fuck Yes” moment.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. My biggest achievement in life is eating a whole block of cheddar cheese in about 10 minutes. I was heavily pregnant, so I like to think the baby needed calcium. I did it fit the baby, not me. Iโ€™m selfless like that.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thatโ€™s a really good idea. I want her to realise what an amazing mother I am ๐Ÿ˜†. I also used to eat several king sized Mars Bars every day when I was pregnant. Again, purely for selfless reasons. God, being pregnant was great ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป

        Liked by 1 person

  15. I love avocados,, and I have to admit, if I have to fun it in half, and store unused portion in the fridge, ( even sealed) it will be gross enough later for me not to eat it, so I eat the whole damn thing, too! With scrambled egg or salad. Oh, but for the taste I sprinkle a little Mrs Dash Southwest Chipotle on it. Otherwise, I might as well eat butter.

    Liked by 1 person

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