Yup, you read that right. Because I couldn’t think of anything wittier, WTF Monday it is.
I already have my WTF Wednesdays post planned for this coming week, but I absolutely couldn’t wait for the following week to share a review with ya’ll. So, you get two WTF posts this week. Do you feel special?
My boyfriend went out of town for the weekend, so I pulled out all the stops. I slept in the middle of the bed. I ordered in from all of the places he isn’t too keen on. I left my bra, gossip magazines, and girl products positively everywhere.
I also did a face mask.
I don’t know why I felt the need to do this when he was gone (I mean, it could be that every time I do one, he acts like I’m a ghost and I’ve frightened him clean out of his shorts), but it just felt like a girl-on-her-own-for-the-weekend thing to do.
So, I’m sure you’ve seen the videos and testimonials for the Shills black mask that’s supposed to be so magical that many don’t even recognize themselves after.
You know. The one that’s supposed to pull off a layer of skin to reveal the real you underneath.
The one that pulls out black heads, showing a close up view of the pretties, and it’s oddly satisfying to watch. It’s disgusting, but you instantly have to do it.
Yup. That one.
So, I’m totally not the type to jump on the bandwagon and buy every product that’s featured in videos that Facebook, so helpfully, pops into my feed.
But, my direct deposit had just dropped and I was feeling like a baller.
Is the real reason I spent $15 whole dollars on a face mask. I want to know this woman. I want to be her best friend. Mostly, I wanted a mask that would remove my mustache!
Full disclosure: When I first saw this video, I was sitting on the toilet. I was full-on ugly-cry-laughing. My boyfriend knocked on the door to see if I was OK, as I’m sure I sounded like a dying seal. When I shared the video on Facebook, I mentioned this and my next door neighbor responded, “So, that’s what that noise was!”
Gosh, I sure know how to do a preamble, don’t I? Let’s get to the actual review now.
It took more than a week to get the mask (after ordering it on Amazon Prime), but lucky for me, I got it just in time for Girl Weekend.
To prep, I washed my face with really warm water to open up my, already Grand Canyon-sized, pores.
I used one of my makeup brushes, just like the pros, and applied the mask pretty thinly. Perhaps, this was because the tube is pretty dang small, and I could have easily used the whole thing on my giant face. That’d be a pretty expensive one-time-use mask, if you ask me. Also, there are zero instructions on how to apply it.
Once it had dried completely, I was pretty giddy in anticipation of seeing all of my nasty black heads and bad choices being ripped out of my face.
I started from the bottom, just like I’d seen countless times. It didn’t hurt at all. I was hoping all of my chin hairs would be pulled out, much like the rooting up of trees during deforestation. Nope. Those assholes stayed firmly rooted in place.
As I started to pull my way up my cheek, it felt like it was pulling pretty good, but when I looked, there were maybe three black heads. Three.
I don’t even want to get started on my upper lip. I was so hopeful, yet it was so anticlimactic. While utterly disappointed, I was enlightened to what it surely feels like being that dude who can never seem to score, no matter how close he gets. Just disappointing.
Also, IT DID NOT PULL OUT MY MUSTACHE. WTF.
I guess you have to have one of those non-mustaches that are just baby hairs to qualify for hair removal.
When I got to my nose, I got excited. Surely, there’s enough nastiness to be had there that I’ll have a major success. No such luck. It barely pulled up anything.
At this point, I’m pretty damn mad. What a freaking waste of $15 that could have gotten me three days worth of Starbucks.
As I neared my eyes, they watered and snot promptly started rolling down my face – I finally felt the pain everyone goes on about.
It was terrible.
I realized it was pulling out hairs-the baby ones that don’t count around my eyes.
So, now it decides to actually work.
Watch me be the only one to grow full-on, thick, black hairs around my eyes now that I’ve messed with the baby hair that once peacefully, invisibly existed there. We all know what happens when you mess with those baby hairs.
Also, it didn’t all come off in one nice, clean mask. I spent ages picking tiny pieces off until I just gave up.
When I stepped back to take a look at the mess I had made of my face, it was pretty clear that I had failed at the black mask fad.
I’m calling my face mask ‘stache the 360 Degree John Waters.
Just wait and see, I will grow facial hair on my entire face*. I will either have to spend a fortune on hair removal or I’ll have to resort to joining the circus as the female version of Lionel the Lion-Faced Man.
It maybe would have been worth it had more than three blackheads been removed.
*I edited and filtered the shit out of my face. You’re welcome.