Somehow, someone deemed me fit to be an adult.
WHO APPROVED THIS?
Someone in the Adulting Main Office must have had no more fucks to give the day I was being reviewed. So, when my file came across their desk, they just stamped “ADULT”, without even reviewing it and, thus, allowed my incompetent ass to slide right through into fully verified adulthood.
That’s the only way I can figure I’ve been allowed to adult for this long. I’m wholly unqualified.
If the garbage disposal confusion wasn’t evidence enough (I never knew it wasn’t meant to ground up fully intact foods, like an entire chicken breast), I reckoned they’d figure me out when I failed to ever check my engine oil. On more than one occasion in the not-so-distant-past, the service station attendant has had to deliver the shocking news, “Ma’am, you have no oil. Like, none.”
I knew the Adulting police had to bust me for not owning an ironing board and ruining my kitchen table trying to hastily iron a dress for a wedding I was running late for, because I was playing Words With Friends, instead of watching the time.
Yet, no one has come to revoke my Adulting license.
HOW CAN THIS BE?
Had someone interceded, or, at the very least, monitored my every day Adulting charade, perhaps I’d have learned that leaving a candle burning for too long is not only a fire hazard, but a smoke stain disaster waiting to happen.
HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS?
I wanted to get rid of a winter-themed candle from Bath & Body Works that I have in my bathroom, because spring is bound to show itself eventually.
I figured I’d let it burn for an evening and I’d be well on my way to having room for my spring-appropriate bathroom candle (this is a very important thing, obviously).
What I found when I went to brush my teeth for bed was nothing short of shocking.
First, the candle was on fiiiiiiiiiiya. Like, duh, it was burning, so fire. But, it was raging. It was also hot to the touch (and on the top of a cabinet), so I’d have to stand on the toilet to blow it out.
Because I didn’t want to rip the toilet out of the wall, I sort of stood and half-leaned with my right hand on the bathroom counter.
At this awkward position, I couldn’t really get at the top of the candle to blow the son-of-a-bitch out appropriately.
I decided one, quick stand on the toilet to blow it out would have to do the trick. Crossing my fingers for the safety of my toilet, I stood, blew, and was thanked with a splatter of hot wax all over my face (how it didn’t splatter the wall really just explains how things go in my life).
On the way down, I noticed the wall above the candle looked curiously dark.
When I looked closer, I realized the wall next to the candle was also a nice shade of charcoal.
As my gaze widened, my shock went much like this:
First, I was all:
Then, I was like:
And, finally, I went:
(I wanted these all to be gifs, but my WordPress app wasn’t having that for some reason.)
The candle I had burning for hours, spit out a coat of black soot on all four walls and the entire length and width of the ceiling.
The offending candle. My mom says only cheap candles coat entire rooms with soot. Hmmm. What do you have to say for yourself, Bath & Body Works?
In panic mode and since I’ve been binging on Nightmare Tenants and Slum Landlords, I quickly wet a rag and went to town wiping off every square inch of the bathroom walls and ceiling. I can’t ever be confused for the disgusting pigs that destroy other people’s property.
After cursing, re-wetting and wringing-out a now black rag, scrubbing furiously, and basically having a FREAKING heart attack for a good half hour, I felt my bathroom had been returned to its former glory.
I sheepishly went out to the living room, sweaty, covered in soot, and sat calmly on the edge of the couch. I turned to my boyfriend (WHO WAS MERRILY WATCHING TV THE WHOLE TIME) and asked him if I was the only 30-something who didn’t know burning a candle for too long would turn a small, confined room into the inside of a chimney.
He just responded, “Baby….how did you not know that?”
I DON’T KNOW.HELP.I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING.
If anyone reading this has some pearls of wisdom they think I need, please, share them in the comment section. I need all the help I can get.