Apple Hill: Where Diets Go to Die

I’m about to embark, yet again, on the yearly event that single-handedly is the reason I’m fat. I’m hoping that while ya’ll are reading this, I’ll be on my third apple cider donut or nose deep in a sprinkle-covered caramel apple. Mmmm. Yes. 

Check out how I went ape shit last year at Apple Hill. 

I blogged last year about my time in Glutton’s Paradise AKA Apple Hill. This post basically outed me as a food whore. It’s not like we didn’t already know that with the type of posts I write, but this was my first post involving any type of visual proof. 
Since, I’ve been pretty IDGAF about what my pictures I post here and on social media portray.

I’m fat and I’m addicted to rainbow sprinkles. 

Get over it. 

So, without further ado, here are this year’s pictures of the annual Eat-Until-You-Are-Comatose-And-Then-Eat-Some-More trip. 

Aside from my “Oh Poop” sign, this is my favorite thing ever purchased at the Hill.
The first meal 🙌
If this were the only thing I got to eat the whole weekend, I’d have been good.
Attempting a sexy “Getting Down on My Caramel Apple” look.
This was how much I predicted I’d weigh after the Weekend o’ Gluttony.
Why are these so entertaining? We had to do all of them!
What a quaint, little creek.
 
We got to enjoy a beautiful view as we got stupid drunk at the brewery.
#cloudporn
The best Vanilla Stout EVA!
The offerings that we got to partake in, quite happily!
We tried to take a picture showing how sad we were that some of our girls weren’t with us this trip. Are we convincing?
The best sight in all creation. Apple cider crumb donut. I couldn’t even.
SPERNKLES!!
Would you think less of me if you knew I ate all of these in one morning?
When this llama realized I had nothing to give it, it had no time for me, and, I SWEAR I heard it say, “Bitch, please!”

#yolo
How you doin’?
Just sippin on my diabeetus juice.
In hindsight, an apple cider float AND a blackberry treat was overkill…
THIS is an Arkansas Black, and the only healthy thing I ate the entire weekend.
Purty
Chillin with my homies.
Wine tasting and hard apple cider-where it all went downhill.
So.much.quaint
Had my “sunglasses” been centered, this would have been THE PERFECT I’m-so-deep-but-adorable Instagram snap. Shucks.
Cute AF
I felt holding my baked treats up in the sky for a picture evoked an almost spiritual experience. It didn’t look lame at all.
Adorbs
We are HAWT!
All weekend I kept seeing a “pig hole” (what are these called?) and we never seemed to be able to do it. FINALLY, I got to be the pig. It was everything I had hoped it would be.
The last goody we ate before leaving Apple Hill. I was able to squeeze it in, because I had my fat pants on #prepared
And, because I wasn’t done being ridiculous, I decided I’d be an actual cupcake for Halloween. Here’s my attempt at being a cupcake for my students:

In ending, here is my promo photo for LuLaRoe leggings.  If you haven’t gotten sucked in yet, RUN…to the nearest pop up. They are the best leggings I’ve ever sucked my fat into. The.best.

Notice how stretchy they are. Notice how they delicately caress my bottom butt. Notice how busy they are so you can’t see my bumps and lady lumps. 

So, even after a weekend of eating my weight in food, I can still rock a semi-decent look. 

#winning

WTF Wednesday #2


Source
For this week’s installment of WTF Wednesday, it’s all about those dick diets that we all love so much (In no way am I insinuating that a particular body part is for lunch. I am using ‘dick’ like ‘jerk’. Got it?)

If you ever wondered why dieting sucks so much and it’s so damn hard (shit, I really shouldn’t have used the word ‘dick’, because now every other word has another meaning), it’s because diets taste freaking disgusting. 

For real. 

If I could, without guilt or consequence, continue eating marshmallow fluff and Nutella sandwiches for breakfast, till my dying day, I’d be a very happy, agreeable, and stress-free person.

But, because Heaven on Earth sandwiches make me fat and unhealthy, I get to eat unsweetened oatmeal and farty hard-boiled eggs for breakfast now. 

Yay. 

Along with finally trying to get my eating back on track, I’ve recently purchased organic colon cleanse pills and doTERRA Slim and Sassy. 

Because anything that’s quick and easy is my game. 

Let’s start with the colon cleanse. 

Never have these two words together ever sounded like a good time to me. Sure, it sounds like it’s maybe a good idea, because it’s supposed to rid you of the nasty sludge that gets built up in the intestines. But, the actual process of a colon cleanse? 

Just no.

When I bought these pills, I specifically asked if they’d make me poop my pants. I was assured it was a slow, not unpleasant process.

As much as I’d like to share some embarrassing story about how I was lied to and that I did actually crap my pants at school, it’s just not what happened. 

In fact, nothing has happened. Like, nothing. 

Maybe they are magic pills and they cleanse unknowingly, invisibly, magically. Or, I got scammed. 

I could have performed a more successful cleanse by eating from the shady roach coach that parks across from the strip club downtown. 

Next, let’s discuss Slim & Sassy by doTERRA. 

First, I have to make it clear that I am a hardcore fan of doTERRA essential oils. I know and love a couple consultants, and they are why I’m addicted to the amazing Past Tense for my headaches. So, I’m in no way dissing the company at all. 

But, Slim & Sassy is straight up “I’ll Just Stay Fat & Nasty”. 

This morning, I excitedly dropped a couple drops in my water, did a sniff test, and nervously took a tiny sip. 

I CAN’T EVEN EXPLAIN THE FLAVOR. 

It’s like your water has been tainted with grass-flavored peppermint grapefruit bark. 

And, now, my brand new “Boss Lady” metal water bottle will never be the same. 

Needless to say, S&S is not my jam.

Not only did it taste just incredibly odd, it mildly burned my lips and then left them numb.

In the middle of my light and sound read aloud, I started slurring my speech and drooling down my chin. 

As a teacher, this is just not a good look.

I don’t think I can stand trying Slim & Sassy again. My gag reflex is activating just thinking about it. Anyone want an almost-full bottle? 

In ending, I’m literally a walking billboard for the fact that almost all diet “tricks” do.not.work. 

The only thing that works is to stop pounding cake into your fat gob as if it were the end of days. 

This is why I struggle, because feeding Bertha* tastes a million times better than tainted water, sulfur eggs, and grass pills that just make my belch-y breath smell like fertilizer. 

#cakeme

*Bertha is my belly 

Why You Gotta Be Like That, Carbs? 

Do you ever wish you had a gluten intolerance, or some crazy food allergy that restricts your diet to chicken broth and carrot sticks? Like, legit all your stomach can tolerate is steamed spinach? 

Maybe I’m being insensitive to people who really suffer from food intolerances, but…YA’LL ARE LUCKY BISHES. 

“Would you like some of this delicious homemade bacon beer macaroni and cheese?” I used craft beer, the good bacon, and every single type of cheese on Earth.”

“Wow. I would, but white pasta gives me fiery explosive surprise diarrhea. Cheese makes me so constipated I have to be hospitalized for potentially fatal blockage. Bacon makes me break out in painful hives and my head blows up like the Elephant Man. Thanks for offering, though.” 

How easy and wonderful would it be if there were a legit reason to not eat fattening, delicious food? Forget the fact that you would be healthier and svelte, I need a painful agonizing reason to say no. Otherwise, this would be my response to the above question: 

Hargphumth”

And I’m gone. I’m either knocking people over to get to said food and/or I’m running down the street with the whole pan of mac and cheese (I’ll return your Le Creuset. Chill.)

Did you know that there is actually a recipe for beer bacon mac and cheese? Good ol’ Pinterest. It even has garlic (too bad it makes me gassy).