Have Yourself A Manic Little Christmas

Anyone else feeling the holiday hassle yet?

No?

Just me?

Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Christmas. I mean, you could argue that I love the holidays even more than Clark Griswold.

But.

I stood in line at the post office yesterday for 30 minutes, while the one person working was in no real hurry and that really chapped my ass and put me in the opposite of a holiday mood.

It didn’t even matter that Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You was playing, because all I want for Christmas is another person manning the counter.

I’m also hating that my usually quiet Target has been invaded by, what has to be, Closet People, because where else have they been all year?

Amazon Prime, people. You won’t ever have to leave your house again.

Another thing, the boyfriend and I are going to a fancy shmancy Christmas party at the Governor’s Mansion. Said boyfriend has expressly told me leggings are not a clothing option.

So, I have to wear, like, a real formal dress.

I have one from years ago, but I’ve been putting off trying it on, because I don’t even want to know how much fatter I’ve gotten.

Speaking of being fat, do you know how fucking hard it is to eat well when cookies are practically raining from the fucking sky and you can get egg nog-everything?

Not only are the crowds annoying and the over-abundance of treats gut-expanding, the pressures to have the absolute best holiday yet is EXHAUSTING.

Not only do I overbook myself with social engagements, I seem to always feel the need to add just one more fun craft project/event to the long list of holiday must-dos.

When will I ever learn that the best experiences happen when I have zero expectations and almost next to no plan?

Never. Never is when I’ll learn.

So, what are you stressing about this holiday season? How do you combat the manic-like need to do all the Christmas things?

Oh, the stress.

Christmas Puke

Dudes, it’s Christmastime! I thought I would announce that in case some of you were still not aware.

freaking love Christmas! 

I decorate errything with Christmas-Christmas hand towels, Christmas candles, Christmas kitchen utensils and tools, Christmas blankets and pillows, Christmas soap, and even Christmas underwear.

Yup.

I am Christmas AF.

Don’t mistake my penchant for Christmas-ing everything to mean that any Christmas decor will do.

I have standards.

Most of my decor is either vintage-inspired cool or new, funky, and simple. The only cheese factor involves my ornaments. I have been collecting ornaments since before I was born, thanks to my parents. No matter how cheesy they are, they are forever included on my Christmas tree. Some may have a permanent place on the back of the tree, but, dammit, they are never being donated. 

Because everyone simply loves checking out random people’s Christmas decor, I thought I’d share some of my favorite spaces in my home. 

Before I forget, “Christmas Puke” is what my boyfriend calls any and all Christmas decor. He can’t even when I’m constantly bringing home more ornaments or gift wrapping essentials after he’s expressed that he thinks we have just enough Christmas crap. Ha! Like that’s even possible! 

Men. 

Simple, way too many ornaments, full of memories-just the way I like it.

I got this little dude when I was five.

My aunt bought me this angel. It says, “‘Tis a gift to teach” and it’s one of my favorites!

The first year I was at my current school, my principal was my Secret Santa and this was one of my gifts. I leave it out all year long!

This should say, “Queen for Always”. I love Mary Engelbreit!

I love how the lights shine through this one. It reminds me of good ol’ Londontown.

A work pal got me this one this year! It’s so cute!

And I also got this one from a work colleague! My peeps know me well!!

I’ve gotta have a little skull action with my Noel.

I think sugar skulls go with candy cane candles quite well!

I have the matching “nice” towel, but that wouldn’t be very accurate. Excuse my wrinkly towels. How embarrassing!

Christmas cheese knives that I’ve never used, but I put out every year, religiously, because duh.

I don’t ever use them. They just sit there looking vintage-y.

Even my Scentsy gets Christmasfied!

Gotta have a little cheer everywhere!

This is an essential must-have every year. I also have a Christmas hand soap at every sink, but I felt pictures of those was overkill.

Christmas af

I hope ya’ll are enjoying the best time of the year. I know I am. I love listening to Christmas music as I curl up in my Christmas blanket and eat an entire tin of shortbread cookies. It’s practically a tradition! 

Merry Happy Holidays Time! 

Shopper Lottie Post-Blame the Hipsters

I have been so lazy lately. I really need to work on a new blog post, but I have not only been lazy, but uninspired. HELP. 

What should I write about? I would love to know if I have missed anything on the topic of being a total fat ass. Help a fatty out!

While I try to find some writing inspiration, check out the post I wrote for Shopper Lottie last year on ugly sweaters, and why we need to blame hipsters for basically everything. Also, let me know in the comments if you have a great idea for a post!

Hello All! My newest Shopper Lottie post is up! Check it out and if you are so inclined, leave me some love over there (I hate asking for that crap, but I would absolutely love to show my potential readers over there how awesome you all are)!

The picture gives you a clue about what my post could be about. Hmmm I wonder how hipsters could be involved?? I guess you will just have to go see!

Blame the Hipsters

sweater
Too bad these are sold out on Etsy. This is just perfection.

Dana and Judy’s Homemade Hand Cream 

How many of you brave souls made gifts this year? Since Pinterest, everyone and their spastic brother feel the need to creatively gift these days. We have all seen those “Pinterest Fails”, and laughed our lying asses off at others’ ineptness-like you didn’t just make jingle bell-shaped cookies that looked more like ball sacks. Don’t lie. 

I grew up with a very creative mother. She’s the reason I believe store-bought Halloween costumes are for losers. Yes, she handmade me a Princess Jasmine, costume, that looked like the real thing, when I was eight. 

My mom and my aunt have made Christmas gifts for the “faraway family” for as long as I can remember. They’ve made custom quilts, roll warmer baskets, cake platters using repurposed decorative plates and candle holders, and they’ve been getting drunk for the sake of saving wine corks way before Pinterest told you it was what the cool people do.

Last year, they made homemade lotion, but so did I. We all three had seen, all over that damn Pinterest, how “easy” it was to make your own hand cream. Mine was all organic, cost more than The Body Shop, and had the consistency of Crisco. I didn’t even end up giving it to anyone. It was so greasy, the only place you dare put it was on your feet, underneath 10 pairs of socks. Huge fail. 

My mom and aunt’s lotion ended up being wonderful, but they didn’t divulge, at the time, how much of a process it was to get the wonderful, creamy consistency it had, along with how they concocted its wonderful subtle fragrance. They just humbly insisted, “it was nothing.”

The truth came out today.

While I was digging around for the Scottish shortbread recipe for the cookies we make every year, I came upon their hand cream recipe. I almost crapped my pants laughing.

Dana and Judy’s Hand Cream Recipe 

2 bottles of wine (OK to substitute tequila) 

1 bottle Shea butter

1 tub cocoa butter 

1/4 cup coconut oil 

1 bottle creamy baby oil 

Vitamin E oil drops-break open gel caps

Lavender essential oil ($20 worth to cover up cocoa butter smell)

Whip like mad, add too much red food coloring, cuss, put it in jars anyway 

Call your sister two days later and tell her it is toooooooooo red (I was not the sister who griped-I was pretty much done with hand cream production)

Scoop it all out of containers and add any white lotion you can find, some Vaseline, all the leftovers from previous batches, etc., until you have 6 gallons of lotion and not enough containers. Discover that lotion is only slightly less pink. 

Then, they provided the “real” recipe which has 6 ingredients and one step-whip it together. 

The jury is still out on whether you put the wine (or tequila) in the lotion, or if you drink it. 

Shopper Lottie-A Realistic Holiday Food Guide

There’s 3 days left before Christmas!! 
 
I hope you all are finished with your bank-breaking shopping, and you are merrily stuffing your gobs. 
I’ve compiled a food guide for your reading pleasure for Shopper Lottie. If you don’t want to read yet another healthy holidays guilt-packed article, then don’t. Read mine. 

Happy eating! 

A Realistic Holiday Food Guide

image courtesy of Pinterest

A Picture is Worth a Million Why Me’s

I knew I would look fat. I mean, I would be wearing a one piece, with nowhere to hide. I knew I would look like an obese candy cane. I was prepared. It was part of the humor in wearing pajamas that 3 year-olds normally wear. But, nothing prepared me for what everyone was seeing from behind. Nothing.

The front view wasn’t so bad 

  
    

And then we thought it would be cute to take a picture of our behinds, because that’s always  cute. Good lawd, nothing prepared me for this:

  
I can’t even. My ass is huge. Huge. Not even sexy Kim-Kardashian-huge. Pregnant-Kim-huge. I mean, how come no one has never told me I had that trailing behind me? It’s terrifying. I think I might have an extra ass below my main ass. Can you see it? Meanwhile, my friend looks like Marilyn Monroe reincarnated. 

I thought maybe it was just taken from a poor angle. Perhaps I wasn’t prepared. So, I tried again:

  
I didn’t get the sexy memo. In fact, I think I had an itch mid-picture. Notice how I’m not even turning my head around, in a sexy, “I know you’re looking” way, because I can’t. The girl on the left is a professional model, apparently. What a bitch. 

Can you suck your butt in like your stomach? If so, I need to learn how. 

I went home that night and drank an entire bottle of moscato, because sugar wine will help my cause. I might also have eaten the rest of the package of holiday Oreos (and by ‘the rest’ I mean almost the whole thing). Then, I realized that I didn’t buy footy pajamas to look sexy, but to be funny. I bought them to look ridiculous, then got upset when I was successful. That’s lame. So, I said, “fuck it”, and wore them again to the Ugly Sweater Wine Walk this past Saturday. I had a blast, Pregnant Kim Ass and all.