My First FabFitFun Box

Ya’ll! I finally broke down and joined every other basic bitch and got me a FabFitFun box. It was a splurge (even at the discounted price of $39.99) that I really didn’t need, but TREAT YO SELF! 

I love, love, love the excitement that exists when you know a package is headed your way. It’s why I do Snack Crate and Ipsy, and why I order far too often from Amazon Prime, Zulily, and many others I’m too ashamed to list.

I decided to spare everyone a cringe-worthy Tori Spelling-esque “unboxing” video. I’m super awkward on film, and so many other *greats* like Snooki and Teresa Giudice are doing video “unboxings” for your viewing pleasure. 

So, let’s just get on with it, eh? 

What a beautiful fucking sight. This is totally staged, btw. How I really found my box was dented, dirty, and wedged into the bushes. I think our mail delivery people just toss our packages from their truck. It’s the only explanation.

The very same day I received my box, my darling guy got me this sweet and quite apropos treat, and somehow, my FabFitFun box didn’t seem quite as fabulous.

10000% my kind of gift

So, when I was done feeling all the feels, I finally got around to opening my box. 

The packaging is nice, and I like how they add the paper “grass” (what is that shit called?).

What I didn’t like is that these “high end” items come in mass-produced-feeling  plastic. This type of packaging takes away the “expensive” feel of the items.

Now might be the time, especially if you’re not familiar with the concept, to mention that FabFitFun profess that their $49.99 box is worth $200+.

More on that as we continue.

Let me show you my perfectly staged photo of the contents. Aren’t I so talented in such a basic-bitch-taking-a-photo-for-Insta-way?


Now, let’s review each item and their supposed cost. 


The MER SEA & CO scarf is one of the items in the box that I feel lives up to its apparent cost. Even so, there is no way in hell I’d ever intentionally buy a $98 scarf. With Target, Marshall’s and TJ Maxx’s amazingly low priced on-trend pieces, I can get a decent scarf for $12. 

I asked my live-in photographer (boyfriend) to snap a couple shots of me in my new scarf. What you will notice in the images is that the scarf is behemoth (maybe that’s why it’s so expensive-each one is made from 50 polyester trees) and that my Blog-Instagram Boyfriend was not having it, as I now have 82 random, blurry images of me getting ready to pose. Great job, Babe! 

Had to pick off all of the paper confetti from the box that was stuck on the scarf.
After spending “10 minutes” positioning the scarf in the mirror. 67 of the 82 images are of my wide ass at said mirror.
What an awesome, artistic action shot of my three chins!
Really glad he got such a great shot of my Bingo Wings!
After all of the prep, I was not pleased with the photo, but the photographer was 100% not having it anymore.
But, guess what? This beast of a scarf can totally be worn as a shirt! Fucking score!

Also pictured in the above images is The Jetset Diaries cable knit beanie. This is probably my favorite item, because my day 4 hair loves the crap out of beanies. This came-in-plastic beanie is supposed to be worth $49, and I just can’t. I bet you all that right now, this very minute, in any Target across the nation, sits a black beanie, almost identical to the one from the box and it’s $10. Again, why is a thin cable-knit beanie $49? Who are the idiots buying $50 beanies? 

Next up is the Mytagalongs hot and cold pack ($15). I am actually really excited about this, because I totally needed another ice pack to add to the 20 already in the freezer. The reason: IT SAYS, “ICE ICE BABY”. 


This was totally appreciated, because BUTT WIPES ARE EVERYTHING, YO. 


I can’t speak too much for these products, as I have yet to use them. I am totally excited to try the apple cider vinegar hair rinse, though! I’m also really looking forward to never using the lipstick, because I don’t wear lipstick. The Whish Beauty mud mask is valued at $48, the DPHue rinse at $35, and the Trèstique lipstick at $28. 


The Deco Miami lavender cuticle oil is just too cute. When I was first opening the box, I thought it was nail polish. I was so bummed, because I get gel manicures, so nail polish is useless to me. When I used my reading decoding skills and saw that it was cuticle oil, I was giddy. My cuticles are inexcusably ghastly! The oil is priced at $12.50 and is the only reasonably priced item in the box (save for the Cottonelle buttwipes). 


The imm-Living ceramic and wire geometric heart jewelry holder is the exact thing I’d use my last $5 to buy at Ross. It really is adorable and is already proudly on display on my vanity. That said, IT’S A PIECE OF GARBAGE. 

When I got it, there was a nub of ceramic in one of the holes where the wire base goes. I had to take some skinny scissors and jam it loose. Even then, the hole was too tight (that’s what he (?) said) and upon jamming the metal into the hole some of the “metal” flaked off. 


This cheaply made piece of poo is priced at $33. Fuck me.

I saved the coup de grâce for last.
When I first saw the fall box on Instagram, I saw a gym bag that read, “Will Workout For Cupcakes”. That sealed the deal. I had to have it.

Well, in my box I got a Walmart special that reads, “Meet Me at the Barre”. I’ve never been to a barre fitness class, and this bodacious bod has never, ever been confused for that of a ballerina’s. There’s no way I’d ever carry this bag. Just embarrassing. 

Not only this, FabFitFun is claiming that the thin canvas Private Party bag is worth $59. Excuse my French, but FUCK YOU VERY MUCH. 

I don’t shop at Walmart and haven’t for a solid four years, but I guaran-fucking-tee that they have a similar bag for no more than $10. If not Walmart, Wish is guaranteed to have it for $1.50. 

So, I’m still laughing that Private Party and FabFitFun thinks this bag is worth $59. 

Final Thoughts 

I have a really, really, really effing hard time believing the items that came in my box truly total $377.50. If this is indeed an accurate sum, I’m appalled at what is deemed high quality just because it has a high price. If this is the true state of the world now, maybe I can start harvesting my boyfriend’s belly button hair and sell it as “organic inner ear warmers”. I bet I could get 40 bucks per pair. 

I do believe I got my $40 worth, though. For sure. I just don’t like being taken for a schmuck. 

***When I realized that I didn’t get the cupcake bag, I immediately emailed FabFitFun and asked if I could make an exchange. I explained that I was Fatty McCupcakes and that I needed the cupcake bag. I said I’d write a blog post about my box and everything.

They got back to me very quickly and said that they’d exchange the bag “as a one time courtesy”. No, “We’d love for you to write a blog post about us, and not only will we send you the “Will Workout For Cupcakes” bag, we’d like to offer you a job as a paid blogger for FabFitFun” or anything. Rude.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful they are exchanging the bag, but the wording “as a one time courtesy” sounded kinda bitchy. 

Don’t let me discourage you. It really is a fun way to spend $39.99-$49.99. Just remember, it’s Reba Fancy, not Real Fancy. 

Genius Theory

I don’t usually write about serious topics, but this has to be said written or I’ll burst. I think I’ve come across a genius theory. Let me first state my opinions about a few, somewhat, controversial subjects. I’ll just come out and be blunt about it. In fact, I’ll share my opinion on these myriad topics in a very easy to read, list format. 

  • I don’t want to see your boobies, even when you’re breast feeding
  • I don’t care what your political affiliation is
  • I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, or you make love to balloons 
  • I don’t enjoy seeing your vagina hanging out of your jean shorts, and frankly, I feel sorry for you, because you either need a mama, Jesus, or both
  • If 90% of your Instagram are selfies, you need to reevaluate your life
  • No one wants to read your blog/Facebook posts/Tweets because you don’t know the difference between to, too, and two 
  • It infuriates me that people like Kylie Jenner, Miley Cyrus, and Riff Raff are people our future looks up to
  • Your divorce, family drama, and fights with your friends don’t belong on social media 
  • It used to be rude to talk about your salary, it still should be
  • Public shaming used to be a way to deter people from being stupid, now whenever someone doesn’t like someone’s response to their behavior, they can just cry ‘shaming’ and it makes their stupidity OK

We have become a society of over-sharing, defensive pussies. Here comes my genius theory. Are you ready for it? Drum roll please…maybe, just maybe people wouldn’t be so apt to be offended by every little thing out there, if more people in our society had values, decorum, and half a brain to know when, where, and how certain topics should be shared. 

People complain all the time about others being too offended by things, but maybe saying that is just an excuse to be an asshole. 

Just the other day I witnessed an older lady being attacked on a news story’s comment section because she didn’t understand how to click the link to read the story. Some cretin actually cussed her out and told her to get off social media. I was offended by that because it used to be rude to treat your elders, anyone, like that. We have become complacent when it comes to being decent human beings to others, because it takes zero thought to send a “meaningless” message from your phone, while you sit in your parents’ basement, sitting on your non-existent high horse. 

Decent people are offended by offensive things. That doesn’t make us losers or wimps. It makes us human. 

As for the pussification of America-we are being offended by the wrong things. Someone called you fat? Boo hoo. Just the other day some elderly, foreign woman rubbed her belly, pointed to mine and asked, “Bebe?” Yeah, that sucked, but I got over it. Mean, obtuse, and/or clueless people are never going to go away, so instead of overemphasizing bullying, we need to teach our youth how to let things go, how to care more about how they feel about themselves, and how to just move on after someone’s been mean to them.

Instead of giving everyone an award just for participating, or accepting the outcries of “shaming”, when maybe we need to consider if the action deems being shamed, we should be offended by what really matters. 

These are things we should be offended by: 

  • Racism 
  • The trend that appearance is more valuable than character
  • Blatant ignorance 
  • Adults not being able to string a legible sentence together 
  • Sexism 
  • The lack of family values running rampant and how that correlates to almost everything wrong in our world 
  • Gory, disturbing, indecent images not suitable for young eyes and minds 
  • Wearing slippers in Walmart 

This is an abridged version, as I think these few points serves my theory well. Stop being an asshole, think before you hit ‘send’, and consider having more respect for yourself by not posting your bottom butt on social media. 

Good day. 

Testing the Waters-“Body Positivity”

Methinks I’ve made it pretty clear that I’m not skinny. I mean, my body size is in the name of my blog. If you’re shocked right now, you have not read one thing I’ve written. If you have read at least a few of my blog posts, you know I specialize in self-deprecation (no, not defecation-that’s an entirely different animal). I love making fun of myself. Calling myself names and poking fun at my body is how I take life not so seriously. No one wants to be the fat girl who cries about being fat. No.  

There are days I hate my body, days when I find 6,452 things wrong with my appearance. Some days, I check myself out in the mirror and say, “You look pretty alright. Alright, alright”. If I spent as much time as I do on worrying about when my next meal will be, on how I look, I would be a very miserable person. I look to my other strengths when my jeans fit a little too tight, or my new bra gives me back boobs. There has to be more to this life than how I look.   If I cared too much about my appearance, I would be one sad person, because I will definitely never be mistaken for Angelina Jolie. 

And that’s OK. We can’t all have huge breasts, a tiny waist, and Brad Pitt. Some of us look decent in black yoga pants and have even teeth. It isn’t fair, but who ever promised it would be? 

Now that I’ve stated my own personal attempt at “body positivity”, I have to give my opinion on the “Body Positive” movement. 

Wait for it…

I effing hate it. I’m so over it. It’s all about looks and that is not what is most important in life. On the other side, it is nice to feel good about yourself, but at what cost? 

I want to lose weight because I don’t feel healthy, my feet hurt, and yes, I want to look good naked. So, I don’t really appreciate Tess Holliday and all those other “Body Positive” representatives telling me, “It’s OK you’re fat. Don’t change who you are. Fat is beautiful”. No *holding up stop sign*. 

Please do not give me one more reason to not put down the cupcake and get off my ass. Do not. 

How many women really feel beautiful having unwanted fat? Come the fuck on. That’s not to say someone who is fat isn’t beautiful, or lacks worth because they don’t fit into society’s cookie cutter beauty terms. 

No. 

I’m not saying I am not worthy or not beautiful. What I am saying is I don’t feel beautiful when I can’t find tights for a costume, because “one size fits all” fits up to a size 8. No. And finding tights in the “fat section” doesn’t make me feel any better either. 

Thus, I’m practicing yoga and trying to be a healthier, more beautiful me. 

I have to share a comment on a post that Tess Holliday shared (Her social media posts are becoming more and more negative. Soon, she will just be another hater). This young man was positively attacked for his comment. He was not rude, he was not “fat shaming”, nor was he unreasonable. The pack of wolves who tore him down were vicious. The same women who don’t like people judging them. The same women who don’t like being bullied. 

  The above responses were some of the kinder ones. 

  
  
Just take a moment and let this marinate. 

I’m testing the waters with my opinion on this matter. I don’t want to scare away all of the beautiful people who read my blog, because this is a heated topic, and my opinion is the unpopular one. At the same time, I don’t want to stifle my desire to write about what I’m passionate about. 

So, I’ll just leave it at that, for now. Like just one bite of a cupcake, I’m leaving you with annoyance, dissatisfaction, and wanting. 

Build Your Blog Bullshit?

Hiyo. I have been stumbling upon quite a few gimmicky blogs that promise blog success and all the riches the world can afford-Scrooge McDuck style. Anyone find success with these? One of the blogs I stumbled upon was a How-to-Get-Paid-to-Write-a-Travel-Blog type. The man writing it could barely string together a sentence, yet he professed to make 6 figures with his blog. He also says he has a book deal thanks to his uber successful blog. To finish off a paragraph trying to convince his readers, he said, “Don’t take my word for it”. Really. You mean to tell me, all of your promises mean nothing? Thanks for wasting the 5 minutes it took to read your drivel, dick. Are you actually saying I should not trust you? So, that steep fee to get your program could be a scam? Is that what you are trying to say?

Usually if someone says, “Don’t take my word for it”, it is usually followed by an explanation as to why you can’t just take their word for it. Usually one says, “Don’t just take my word for it”. Hence, why you must buy into some gimmick they are selling. So, all I can surmise is this “super successful” blogger, promising you don’t have to sell out, is trying to get you to sell out by wasting your hard-earned money on his shady shit.

I am also about ready to unfollow a blogger who is begging his readers for money to keep his blog afloat. Excuse me?

How have you found success with your blog? Have you bought into any of these “gimmicks”? If you did (I won’t judge-promise), did you find your blog improved? How does one not sell out in this world, yet get their work “out there” for all to see?

The struggle continues.