The Leggings Spread

You might have noticed that I was MIA on Wednesday (my usual new-post-day). I’ve been so busy that I’ve hardly had time to write. This makes me entirely too sad, so I’m planning on getting my writing shit together in a massive way. 

For this week’s #flashbackfriday, I thought I’d share my post about the Leggings Spread. I’m sharing this particular post, because I need to be reminded of my own advice.

#stillcantfitintomyjeans

It’s no secret that I believe leggings are life. They are insanely comfortable, they don’t cut painfully into your fat, and they don’t feel the need to remind you every time you yank them on that you’ve been laying the butter on pretty heavy lately. 

I seriously have a definite love affair with my collection of leggings. It’s almost sick, guys. 

I treat them better than my poor boyfriend. 

I never dry them. I bought a deliciously scented fabric softener to make them smell irresistible (is it weird I feel the need to have my pants smelling irresistible?). I also bought special hangers, because you don’t put these babies in a drawer. 

Because I’ve been so comfortable and happy, I’ve hardly noticed it. 

Noticed what, you ask? 

The Spread.

Due to the forgiving nature of leggings, it’s easy to not realize when your girth starts to spread in all directions. 

I’ve been ignorantly blissful about my weight these past few months. 

That is, until I decided to wear jeans to school. Whatever possessed me to think this was a good idea is beyond me. 

Because all of my jeans have a ridiculous amount of stretch, I didn’t really notice it until I sat down in my chair at school. 

Thank you, Baby Jesus and all that is holy, that this occurred before my class was present. 

When I sat down, due to the sheer force of my stomach, my pants jumped ship as said stomach spilled over the top, like overflowing bread dough in the oven. 

It happened in slo-mo and I just sat, stunned, watching my overflowing fat. 

The rest of the day I spent sucking as much in as possible as to not knock an unsuspecting kid in the face with my fat. 

Fuck. I’m disgusting. 

I’ve figured out what the real purpose of jeans are-they are your First Alert Weight Gain System. If you can still breathe in your buttoned jeans, you’re golden. If you need an inhaler after buttoning, you fat, friend. 

Real pants are assholes, but they are like those true friends who don’t feed you any bullshit. They both won’t hesitate to tell you you’re looking like a polar bear in a puffy jacket. 

Maybe real pants aren’t as useless as I’ve been believing. As soon as I can fit into my jeans again, I’ll maybe put them back into the wardrobe rotation. But, just so we’re clear, I’m still wearing leggings the majority of the week. I’m not about jean-everyday- life anymore. 

Bend your knees for the added power and energy you’re gonna need to cram yourself into your neglected jeans.
When the button doesn’t take the first try…
Jump. Because jumping into your jeans is the obvious answer. Sorry, neighbor. No, I’m fine. No, a large piece of furniture didn’t fall over. Just fuck off, OK?
Is it just me, or does this look like my butt is on backwards?! Something doesn’t add up here.
Screw it. I’ll just wear my leggings.

An extra special “thank you” to my boyfriend, who just said, “You want me to do what?” and “OK, let’s do this” when I told him I wanted to recreate squeezing into my jeans. 

Ladies, learn from me. Even if you don’t plan on actually wearing those asshole jeans, try them on at least once a month to monitor how far your Leggings Spread has grown. 

You’ll thank me later. 

A Fatty’s Dream-LuLaRoe

You guys! Have ya’ll heard of LuLaRoe yet? If not, you’re super late to the Fatty Pants Party! 

I am not crazy, therefore, I do not sell LuLaRoe (I personally know almost all of the consultants I buy from, and they are all lovely ladies. They are not really crazy at all, other than the fact that they actively choose to sell clothes to cerifiably crazy women, i.e., MOI). So, this is not a paid review or any of that shite. 

I’m just genuinely obsessed. 

What I like most about LuLaRoe is the fact that I now wear leggings seven days a week. That’s all the days, yo.

The day my principal walked into my classroom donning unicorn LuLaRoe leggings, it was game on. 

I don’t even know what jeans are anymore. Since discovering the obsession-worthy patterns and unreal buttery softness of LLR leggings, I refuse to wear anything that constricts my fat and makes me breathless when I lean over to tie my shoes. 

No more, jeans! No.more. 

Not only have the leggings replaced all other leg coverings I used to wear, the other styles LuLaRoe offers are MAGIC FOR FATTIES.

I currently own eight pairs of leggings (waiting on a pair I just bought today). I also own seven other pieces that aren’t leggings. This is my favorite skirt of all time:


I’m a cheapskate. So, for me to buy clothing that starts at $25 a piece, LLR must be pretty magical. 

Maybe I’m delusional, and I really look like Bertha the elephant clad in seafoam and gray arrows. Or… I LOOK FUCKING AMAZING! 

Here I am in my striped Carly and my super sweet cassette tape leggings (the boyfriend calls these the “Cosby sweater ones” 😂).

For OBVIOUS reasons I HAD to have these!

Yes, I walk out of the house with these wild things on.

It was hard to capture the true green of the shirt. I really do know how to match. I promise!

This was me limbering up for Thanksgiving. In LuLaRoe, of course #duh.

I really ought to be working for LuLaRoe’s advertising department. This crazy town collage was to show how utterly stretchy and giving the leggings are. They also don’t look too bad on my second butt. Winning!

Dudes, I even voted in my LLR! I like to stray away from the norm, and I felt there were already too many face selfies with the ubiquitous “I voted” sticker.

Treatin my babies right 👍

My fat loves my LuLaRoe. Since I stopped trying to suck my fat into too tight jeans, I’ve been surprisingly happier and more relaxed. Everyone who knows me in real life ought to stop hating and be thankful my new obsession benefits those around me. 

You’re welcome. 

#leggingsarelife #leggingsarepants #yestheyareasshole

Leggings All Day, Erryday

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leggings