I was trying really hard to pull an Eat, Pray, Love during my massage today. No, I did not try to sneak in a sandwich (maybe next time). I tried to meditate and think of nothing. I tried the mindful practice strategies that I’ve taught to my students. I tried to concentrate only on my breath and the sensations of the stress being kneaded out of my body. I tried. But, as with most things in my life, I failed. Epically.
All I could do was think.
This past month has felt like a fucking nightmare. Parts of the nightmare I can get into, others I can’t and won’t divulge.
Obviously, if you’ve been following my blog, or you know me personally, you know I left my boyfriend. I will never publically bash the man I gave five years of my life to, but I will say that I had thought I had already grieved the end of our relationship. Before I ever even got out of it. Well, I hadn’t grieved. Not even fucking close. Finally cutting the cord was harder than I thought it would be. In fact, to date, it was/is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
I’ve never been the one to dump. I’ve always been the dumpee or the jackass who gets cheated on. I’ve always been the one beating the dead horse, holding on for dear life to something that had been long dead.
When I decided to decline the job offer in England, I knew that despite my not jetting off to change my life abroad, I would still need to make massive changes at home. You don’t always have to pull an Under the Tuscan Sun or EPL to change your life for the better.
Well, “for the better” has not appeared yet. In fact, almost daily I wish I can go back in time to when my life was a familiar pile of poo, because this new poo smells terrible.
Yeah, I know, time heals all wounds. And all of that garbage.
The most eye-opening thing I’ve realized lately, I thought of during my massage today.
Every single good thing that has happened this past year has turned to utter shit.
For ease of reading, I’ll just make a stinking pile of shit list:
1. The “writing” gig for Bliss Babe was a joke.
2. I epically failed my first Master’s class and am in the appeal process still.
3. While my decision to not go to England was based on logic and lack of cash money, it still sucks to think I could be drinking tea and eating crumpets right now (actually, I’d be asleep, because it’s 5 in the morning there as I write this).
4. Even though it was inevitable, the relationship I gave my all and five years of my best years to failed.
So, all of this to say, this is why I’ve been MIA on the blogging front.
Oh, I forgot one more:
5. After not blogging for a month, I’ve likely lost most of my followers.