Dana and Judy’s Homemade Hand Cream 

How many of you brave souls made gifts this year? Since Pinterest, everyone and their spastic brother feel the need to creatively gift these days. We have all seen those “Pinterest Fails”, and laughed our lying asses off at others’ ineptness-like you didn’t just make jingle bell-shaped cookies that looked more like ball sacks. Don’t lie. 

I grew up with a very creative mother. She’s the reason I believe store-bought Halloween costumes are for losers. Yes, she handmade me a Princess Jasmine, costume, that looked like the real thing, when I was eight. 

My mom and my aunt have made Christmas gifts for the “faraway family” for as long as I can remember. They’ve made custom quilts, roll warmer baskets, cake platters using repurposed decorative plates and candle holders, and they’ve been getting drunk for the sake of saving wine corks way before Pinterest told you it was what the cool people do.

Last year, they made homemade lotion, but so did I. We all three had seen, all over that damn Pinterest, how “easy” it was to make your own hand cream. Mine was all organic, cost more than The Body Shop, and had the consistency of Crisco. I didn’t even end up giving it to anyone. It was so greasy, the only place you dare put it was on your feet, underneath 10 pairs of socks. Huge fail. 

My mom and aunt’s lotion ended up being wonderful, but they didn’t divulge, at the time, how much of a process it was to get the wonderful, creamy consistency it had, along with how they concocted its wonderful subtle fragrance. They just humbly insisted, “it was nothing.”

The truth came out today.

While I was digging around for the Scottish shortbread recipe for the cookies we make every year, I came upon their hand cream recipe. I almost crapped my pants laughing.

Dana and Judy’s Hand Cream Recipe 

2 bottles of wine (OK to substitute tequila) 

1 bottle Shea butter

1 tub cocoa butter 

1/4 cup coconut oil 

1 bottle creamy baby oil 

Vitamin E oil drops-break open gel caps

Lavender essential oil ($20 worth to cover up cocoa butter smell)

Whip like mad, add too much red food coloring, cuss, put it in jars anyway 

Call your sister two days later and tell her it is toooooooooo red (I was not the sister who griped-I was pretty much done with hand cream production)

Scoop it all out of containers and add any white lotion you can find, some Vaseline, all the leftovers from previous batches, etc., until you have 6 gallons of lotion and not enough containers. Discover that lotion is only slightly less pink. 

Then, they provided the “real” recipe which has 6 ingredients and one step-whip it together. 

The jury is still out on whether you put the wine (or tequila) in the lotion, or if you drink it. 

Teacher Humor

After my, quite, heated teacher post, I thought I would lighten it up with some awesome teacher humor. These legit had me LOL’ing. If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry.

copier
Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

source

when-a-student-borrows-something-off-my-desk
My stapler. Don’t.touch.my.stapler.

source

gladiator
How can you be talking during my, extremely interesting, impassioned, discussion about the inequality of social class structure in ancient Rome. THIS SHOULD INTEREST YOU.

source

michael scott
I almost spit my coffee all over my desk and my observation write-up over this. OMG.

source

sitting at my desk
Every.damn.time. I SERIOUSLY only sit down at my desk for a millisecond a day, but admin chooses to walk in at that time. Of fucking course.

source

the look
My face almost all day, errrday.

source

hey girl
Every quarter…

source

assembly
True life.

source

Check out my humor board on Pinterest. When I am having a craptastic day, I will revisit how funny I am on Pinterest (har har).

Funniest Pinterest Board In All Thee Land

The Struggle Continues 

The other night, my boyfriend and I loafed on the couch, watched 5 episodes of Naked and Afraid, and ate an entire pineapple. Let me tell you something about pineapple…that tasty, deceptive shit expands in your stomach. After it expands and bloats your stomach to the point where you look like you’re carrying twins, it gives you horrific acid reflux. All night long, I really regretted not just eating a stupid candy bar, because candy bars just give me the shits. 

I consider myself a fairly intelligent person, I will give you a run for your money on Trivia Crack, and I know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re. Yet, I cannot seem to learn that eating an entire pint of Chunky Monkey will make me feel like dog poop for 3 days. I seriously never learn. 

I do know some things. I know that I can’t be trusted with anything remotely tasty in my house. Like a crack addict, if it’s around, it’s going down in a big way. When I go to my parents’ house, I riffle around in the cabinets looking for what I know is always there. I usually end up eating a couple Little Debbie’s and a Tasty Kake, if I’m lucky. I try not to frequent my parents’ house. For shame…

This is why, at any time, I have a can of garbanzo beans and some stale tortilla chips in my cupboard. That’s it. I know I won’t be desperate enough to crack open an 8 year-old can of beans, so…

Last night, I was pinning healthy recipe after healthy recipe on my “Healthy Yummies” board on my Pinterest. I don’t know why I spend my time pinning healthy crap, I almost never make any of it…Well, I found one that looked so good, and super easy. It consisted of skim milk, light cool whip, ice and…one Oreo. 

It sounded so light, and not too gluttonous. I felt an immense longing for a “diet” Oreo shake. Then, a depressing realization set in. These healthy shakes, will never, ever remain ‘healthy’ so long as I have to buy an entire package of Oreos to make them. The recipe calls for just one Oreo, but I know a couple more will fall into the blender, accidentally. Then, I know for a fact that the rest of those Oreos will last maybe a day in my house. I will have to eat them all in one, shameful, sweaty sitting, because I can’t just have Oreos laying around to tempt me. 

Unless it’s acceptable to knock on your neighbor’s door for one Oreo, I won’t be making these fabulous sounding “diet” shakes. 

The struggle is real, folks.