So, it turns out that I’m not only completely inept in the Eating Healthy and Working Out arena, I’m also a hot mess in the Saving (Having) Money department.
I’d like to reassure any and all who think I’m somewhat of a productive, responsible member of society by saying I always pay my bills on time, and despite having more debt than I’d like, I have excellent credit.
This is where the positives end and the what-are-you-some-kind-of-moron-or-something begins.
Without fail, the week leading up to my monthly payday, I am firmly living under the poverty line.
So, that’s why right now I’m on the struggle bus careening straight toward Mental Breakdown Town.
I’d really like to blame my monthly financial crises on my lowly teacher pay, but, no, it’s 100% me.
(That’s not to say I don’t think teachers all across the world deserve pay that accurately depicts the jobs they perform, because they do.)
True talk, my monthly salary is totally enough to pay my bills, buy groceries, spend on occasional fun, and put aside some (meager) savings. Now, I can’t go all crazy and buy a house or go on a trip or anything…
So, why am I washing our paper plates and rinsing and drying out paper towels, you ask?
(Speaking of fucking paper towels, Target recently halved what they give you on their 99¢ rolls and thought we wouldn’t notice. Assholes.)
Well, let me just plainly list the reasons why I’m forever transferring money from my savings and overdraft to my checking account:
1. I am paying for too many monthly subscriptions (Ipsy, Snack Crate, Weight Watchers, Netflix, Hulu, and numerous educational related apps and services).
2. I have an addiction to Starbucks. My “Once a Week” deal has turned into, “Manic Monday”, “Friyay”, and far too many trips over the weekend. If it has a cute, made up name for the excuse and it’s easier than pushing the Keurig button, I’m game.
3. I go to Target every weekend. I am firmly anti-Walmart, so our non-grocery essentials are bought by moi at the Happiest Place on Earth. It’s just that I’m-going-for-toothpaste, turns into shit-fuck-how-did-I-spend-$100?
I got $99 problems
4. I need, like, I’m not joking that it feels like needing-to-breathe-need bullshit things like these:
If I don’t buy/have a rose gold Starbucks travel cup, I don’t know how I can go on living.
Our Earth is really just a spinning globe of garbage, but I feel an intense need for endless crap that I’ll forget I own in 6 months.
It’s pathetic, really.
5. I will have a fridge full of food, but cooking sounds like hard labor, so I’ll pick up food whenever I’m feeling lazy. And that’s all.the.time.
Me, when I have to cook literally anything.
6. I can’t start walking, hiking, doing yoga, or journaling without buying the latest and greatest accoutrements. When someone told me about the “envelope method” for spending money, my first thought was, “Well, I’ll have to get a really cute envelope. I wonder if they have fake leather ones in a gorgeous mint color?” WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS A “CUTE LEATHER MONEY ENVELOPE”? (Google didn’t know either.)
Really, I could go on, but I’ll just quit while I’m not even close to being ahead.
So, I know. I need therapy, Dave Ramsey, and Shoppers Anonymous in a major way.
Because I don’t spend my money on things that will actually prove useful in time (*Ahem* addiction therapy), I’m going to list the ways I’m planning to attempt to straighten up my money act.
1. I’m finally quitting Ipsy (along with Snack Crate). I know it’s only $10 a month, but, holy shit, did you know that 10 times 12 is $120? Also, I already have 82 black eyeliners and 45 mini tubes of mud mask. How many black eyeliner pencils does one need in a lifetime? Because I think I have that many. Not to mention, this month’s ugly bag was just…I can’t.
This is not my favorite.
2. I’m going to get serious about Acorns. Haven’t heard of it yet? Y’ALL. It’s awesome. Basically, what they do is round up to the next dollar all of your debit purchases and that amount is “invested” into your Acorns account. You can also arrange to have a monthly payment invested into your account. I legit saved over $80 the last month (you better believe Homegirl wears out that debit card).
The beauty of this is that you hardly notice 23 cents being taken out at a time.
The downside? You can withdraw your funds at.anytime.
So, what I meant by “get serious” is I need to start actually leaving my savings the eff alone. Had I just not touched it from the moment I downloaded the app, I’d have so much money saved.
Ugh. I can’t even think about it.
P.S. If you like the sound of Acorns and you want to set up an account, follow this link so I can get credit for referring you. If 10 friends start using Acorns, I get a $500 bonus. (I’m not being compensated in any way by Acorns, it’s just legit one of my favorite apps).
P.P.S Thank you to Angela at Hot Mess Memoir for introducing me to Acorns.
3. I’m going to slowly back away from Starbucks. Not only is their coffee grossly overpriced, unless you do the sugar-free thing, the sugar in their drinks is through the roof. I hate how convenient they are, though. I have one so close to home and on the way to work. I can slip in and out of the drive thru and be on the freeway to work, before I realize I did it again.
My new deal is one Starbucks visit a month. It gives me heart palpitations just typing that. Also, I’m on the market for a shock collar that’ll give me a good wringing the second I start heading to the ‘Bux.
SEE I CAN’T SAVE MONEY WITHOUT SPENDING IT.
4. I’m going to give myself a weekly spending allowance of $80. This will include spending for dinner out or other entertainment on the weekend. On Sunday, I’ll withdraw the cash and only allow myself to use that cash for any and all purchases.
$80 sounds like a lot, but it’s mind blowing how much I spend when left unsupervised.
Maybe at some point I’ll be able to live off even less per week?
I mean, stranger things have happened.
So, what are your budgeting strategies? How do you save money? What’s something you struggle with not spending money on? Let me know in the comments!